1 Thing You Need To Realize In Order To Move On After A Breakup
A breakup is probably one of the most devastating, gutting experiences one will go through in life. The pain can be so intense and all-consuming that it can feel like it’s yours and yours alone. It was that exact pain and uncertainty, and the feelings of isolation that came with it, that lead me to start writing about relationships back in 2011.
I started writing about relationships a few years after having my heart completely annihilated and even though I had moved on in many ways, I still felt stuck and unable to fully let it go. This is what happens to a lot of women, the pain doesn’t get washed away and instead just keeps cycling through us. It may lower in intensity, but it’s always there, just waiting to pounce after the slighted provocation. Why is this, though? Why is it so hard to just let go and get over a breakup?
The reason a lot of us struggle in this area is we get stuck in the “what ifs” and the “I should haves.” We replay what went wrong and what we would have done differently and we plot and strategize ways to get him to come back. Rather than focusing on moving on, we stay stuck in the past, unable and unwilling to just let it go.
This sort of thing takes a huge toll on your self-esteem as it inevitably rouses feelings of not being “good enough.” This can lead to a vicious cycle of seeking guys who can’t commit, or give you what you want, because deep down, maybe you don’t feel worthy of love.
So now the kicker… the one thing you need to realize in order to let it go and move on. And that is: if he wasn’t committed to making it work, then it never would have worked.
You can make excuses for him and say he has issues, he has baggage, he needs more time, maybe there was something else you could have done, maybe you were too needy, too difficult, too demanding. You may alternate between blaming external circumstances and blaming yourself, but the fact is, if he wasn’t committed to making it work then there was nothing that could have been done.
When a man loves you, like really loves you and sees you as “the one,” he invests himself fully and does whatever it takes to work it out. If he has issues, he goes to therapy. If your needs aren’t being met, he tries harder. If you’re unhappy, he works with you to try and fix it, he doesn’t fight against you.
The most important quality a man can have is the commitment to making it work. A relationship is a partnership; it’s a team, a unit. It’s about coming together to create a meaningful connection and share a life together, a life that is mutually fulfilling on both ends.
One person cannot carry the team. One person cannot do all the work. If you are bearing the burden of solving all the issues in this relationship, then it’s a clear sign this isn’t the right relationship for you.
The right guy for you is a guy who wants to be with you. If a guy gives up when it gets tough (as all relationships inevitably do and will), then he isn’t the right guy for you and there is nothing you can do about that.
It sounds simple, but this revelation can completely change your life if you let it. When our sense of self-worth and self-esteem is weak, we internalize things on a deeper level. So if a guy leaves, we take that to mean something about us … that we’re unlovable, unworthy, unattractive, or just not enough.
People with a strong sense of confidence don’t typically fall into this trap. They recognize that they are loveable and that the love they have to give is precious, and their time is precious, so they won’t waste it on someone who doesn’t care to give anything back.
You need to realize that wanting someone doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. There are plenty of reasons you can be hung up on an ex that has nothing to do with him being the “right” man for you, and a lot more to do with him fulfilling some sort of need within you. The good news is that the right person will also fulfill those needs, and even more!
You can’t take it personally when someone isn’t willing to work as hard as you to save the relationship. And you don’t want to be in a relationship where you have to do all the heavy lifting. If you’re going to take anything away from this article, let it be this: you want a partner, not a project.