Have you recently started dating someone?
Are you oscillating between unimaginable joy and unspeakable terror (not to mention constantly reinjuring your hip flexors)?
It’s so hard to know if a girl likes you in this day and age, what with all of the double entendres, eyelash extensions, and smog in the air.
In the good old days, all you had to do was win a duel, slap someone with your glove, or knock out your competition in a bar fight and you’d have won her affections forever. Things were simpler (and bloodier) then.
But these days, there are just so many perplexed young men who have absolutely no clue at all about relationships (among other things, such as why you should never wear vertically striped shirts with horizontally striped pants). Sorry, guys, but I speak the harsh truth here.
I, too, used to wonder how things were going on dates, as the signals were unclear and vague (and that was after I updated my prescription). In my younger and more naïve days, I was never sure if she liked me or just wanted to sell me a timeshare in Florida.
But I have been through the wars, endured the ups and downs, and have learned the lessons, and now, in my ongoing quest to help the young men of today, here is my surefire guide of clues to know if the girl you are dating is “The One”.
1. After greeting you for the first time, she doesn’t immediately attempt to stand sideways in her hope to finally achieve two-dimensionality.
2. At the end of the first date when you suggest seeing each other again, she doesn’t interpret it as your being overly “pro-sight”.
3. The words “you remind me of my brother” are spoken with either extreme sarcasm or as part of her all-in-good-fun nightly “After Dinner Standup and Roast” routine.
4. When she sees how dirty your bathtub is, she doesn’t run away shrieking, or if she does, you realize that she spends a significant amount of her days shrieking regardless of the cleanliness of the bathtubs she encounters.
5. Her suggestions of committing mail fraud are done in the most jokingly and sexiest ways imaginable and only when her blood sugar levels are low.
6. When you ask about the recipe for her mom’s secret chicken casserole, she doesn’t threaten bodily harm, remind you of the dangers of intellectual property theft, or attempt to distract you with a poorly choreographed tap routine.
7. During lulls in conversation, she cozies up next to you and embraces the silence, though not literally.
8. When she grabs your hand out in public, it is not for the sole purpose of leaving your fingerprints at the scene.
9. At no point during a conversation about having kids does she utter “with you?”, “you’ve got to be joking”, “goats, right?” or “can I interest in you in some mail fraud instead?”
10. Her best friend approves of you right up until she blows away in a big gust of wind. This confuses you a great deal until you realize she had been a cardboard cutout the whole time.
11. When you lean in to kiss her, she doesn’t pretend to be having a seizure or, at that very moment, begin struggling with narcolepsy. She also doesn’t reveal that she is a robot incapable of feeling love.
12. Her father appears to like you making positive comments about “the cut of your jib,” “the firmness of your grip,” and “the sea, which are those eyes of yours.”
13. At no point on a weekend away together does she attempt to emulate a couch and insist that you “sit on me and watch TV.”
14. For your birthday, she doesn’t invite all of your friends over and treat them to a lecture on 18th Century social and political challenges for pre-Industrial Revolution European Countries.
15. Upon seeing you naked for the first time she doesn’t immediately suggest dropping everything and opening up a nunnery.