Ah, the Thought Catalog girl. Chances are, you have a mental image of her every time you read her articles on Thought Catalog’s homepage. Maybe you think she ticks off a bunch of cliché lists with odd numbering (see down below) about girl problems that are harder to decipher than wingdings. In reality, she’s not that complex. Think of her as the basic bitch, but more bold and feminist. If there’s one thing you need to know about us before you join our ranks, though, it’s that we are a one-of-a-kind species and we don’t care what anyone thinks about us.
I mean, where else are you going to find a platisher that emboldens the voice of the modern generation? Where else are you going to find big thinks on unique yet super-relatable topics like the holy trinity of our young and dumb existence: love, life, and identity? That’s why I came up with a list that we can use to help identify each other in the wild just a little better.
1. You’re either 23 or 24.
2. You wear UGGs.
3. You have a Hydro Flask. Yay for environmental consciousness!
4. You majored in creative writing, marketing, or sociology.
5. Every tip you have for getting laid sounds like you got it from Cosmo magazine. Yes, girl, we get it. You have a sex drive big enough to rail the whole world. You’ve posted #proudslut a couple years back when you did a rally thing for extra credit in your women’s studies course. Too bad, love. I already memorized the entire sexopedia column. If I wanted to get horny, I’d read some gay incest fanfics right on Fanfiction.net that are better than someone trying too hard to be a feminist Playboy model.
6. You’re a HUGE LGBTQIAAP2S+ ally… and you’re proud to show it!
7. You went down on someone of the same gender to prove that you’re an ally. Honestly, hear it from the Greeks. It’s not something you are but something you do. And if you haven’t experimented at least once, I don’t want to date you.
8. You’re into astrology. Seriously. Have you seen Thought Catalog’s home page? There’s an entire section dedicated to that! You’re not a real Thought Catalog girl until you KNOW YOUR SIGNS, not only for yourself but for your astrology haters who just don’t understand that their overly clingy Taurus boyfriend just isn’t right for them!
9. You like lists. Like this one.
10. You like Buzzfeed. Which, incidentally, also likes lists. Oh, sure, it might have smarmy clickbait, but at the same time, don’t tell me you don’t keep yourself up to date on Brad Pitt’s bulge while you munch on keto pancakes for breakfast!
11. You wear crop tops to flaunt the waist you toned after your last juice cleanse. Flaunt it if you got it!
12. You have belly rings. They’re a perfect pairing with crop tops and they’re PETTY AF.
13. You care about social justice. Pronouns in your bio? Bitch please, you’re so avant-garde that you literally wrote a dissection on how air is racist and a patriarchal hegemony. You’re probably scoffing, thinking I’m playing the world’s tiniest violin. Check out the article, though! Worth a read.
14. You want to travel.
15. You want a boyfriend.
16. You’re thinking of getting a boyfriend. This post really checks out.
17. You’re entitled.
18. You’ve been called “entitled” by sexist white men. That’s not, and I repeat, NOT a bad thing, unless you let it be. You’re young, you’re dumb, you’re horny, you’re a boss bitch, and you deserve the whole world! Twerk out your “entitlement” in the grocery store aisle or whatever. I don’t really care. Do what makes you feel good.
19. You love love. (And tips on how to lose your virginity!!) *Squeal*
20. You journal about self-love when you’re down and depressed.
21. You’ve been thrown out of a Parisian restaurant – maybe even more than once – for partying it up too hard. Yeah, we’re the lowkey Emily in Paris chicks that you’re so intimidated by. And you’re not ashamed of it, either! Okay, maybe a tiny bit, after Pierre failed to return my call from last night. But we have the next day to get wasted and go “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” with hot foreigners all night long throughout the next week.
22. You like scary movies. It should be on your resume if you date me. If you can’t sit through Pet Sematary, how am I supposed to know you won’t be scared of hot tantric sex?!
23. You actually don’t ascribe to a DAMN thing on this list… and so fucking what?! If you do, then more power to you, boo-boo. However, a real Thought Catalog girl knows that she is above lists, above stereotypes, and above all, above society’s damn expectations of how she should behave! So take it with a grain of salt, my babes. Let’s try to bond over each other’s strengths and not the image that society pushes onto us. Now that should be the epitome of the Thought Catalog girl.