5 Concrete Signs They’re Just Playing Mind Games With You

1. Inconsistent Communication

One day they’re showering you with attention, texts, calls, and affection, and the next, they’re distant and unresponsive. They might be oddly difficult to get ahold of on some occasions but expect you to respond quickly when they finally do want to talk. They might only text you at night (yikes). Don’t get this confused with lovebombing, since we’ll cover that later – this is just someone who’s not really all that invested in your relationship but wants to keep you on the back burner just in case. They might have other people they’re seeing (thus the distant responses) but will try to hook you back in when they get the sense you’re losing interest (or when a different fling didn’t work out for them). 

Recognizing this can be harsh, but this kind of behavior isn’t on you – they’ll do this to pretty much everyone they meet as a way of playing games with their options. Ever heard the saying “if they wanted to, they would”? It’s true – if they wanted to be talking to you, they would do so no matter what. When that wanting suddenly cools off, though, you probably won’t be hearing from them for a while – so keep moving and find somebody who is really dedicated to you. Oh, but don’t confuse this kind of person with a bad texter – if they’re eager to see you in person and make plans but just don’t seem to be online all that often, they probably just prefer face-to-face conversation. The key is consistency; if they have talked to you plenty in the past but don’t anymore, there’s your red flag. If they’re always been off-the-grid, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

2. Boundary-pushing

Someone who loves mind games will try to subtly push your boundaries at the start of a relationship to see if you’ll stick around regardless. Once this happens, it gives them the green light to continue the disrespect – by the time you’ve been in the relationship for a while, you might not even realize that all of your boundaries (and then some) have been completely disregarded. It occurs so slowly that you go from questioning yourself at first to unintentionally turning a blind eye to what’s happening. It’s like this kind of manipulator is literally tinting your rose-colored glasses by hand.

If someone pushes back when you set a boundary with them, intentionally crosses lines you’ve drawn, or tries to subtly question values that are important to you, it’s not worth giving them another chance. You’re only showing them that they can continue this kind of behavior because you’ll put up with it. Eventually, this will cause you to feel insecure and disrespected in your relationship. 

3. Backhanded Compliments and Negging

If someone is giving you compliments that really don’t make you feel that great about yourself – usually just being thinly-veiled criticisms – they’re definitely trying to toy with you. This tactic, known as ‘negging,’ is meant to undermine your self-esteem so that you become more reliant on their approval and validation. It’s a subtle but extremely toxic way of playing mind games. 

It’s effective because of its subtlety – they’ll insist that you’re taking their compliments the wrong way and they’re just trying to be nice to you. If you’re dating someone who is ‘brutally honest’, it’s best to just quietly head on out. Could you imagine yourself – with good intentions – saying to them the kinds of things they’re telling you? If not, it’s time to go – this is the kind of person who will prey on your insecurities to keep you tethered to them.

4. Provoking Jealousy and Insecurity

Are they constantly flexing how many people they’ve dated before you, talking about their ex non-stop, or flirting with other people in front of you? Maybe it’s just their social media posts that seem a little off-putting for someone who’s in a relationship, or maybe they really don’t respect your boundaries in a way that makes you feel insecure about your relationship. This is a way to put you down while you’re with them; they want to show you that they have other options and make you feel the need to attach yourself more deeply to them in order for them to stay. 

They might be trying to show off how desirable they are or just want to make you feel insecure enough that you’ll never leave them. This kind of behavior will work to make you feel uncertain about yourself – you might wonder why they’re so affectionate with other people or find yourself concerned that they’re losing interest in you. Again, you’re not the problem here – these kinds of people will never be interested in fostering a healthy relationship, and they’re not likely to ever stop this kind of behavior (although they might get better at hiding it). Feel free to leave them to whoever they’re flirting with. 

5. Hot and Cold Behavior

Whether they’re officially love-bombing you (over-attaching to you one week and ditching you the next) or just feeling wishy-washy about your relationship overall, you should drop them while you’re ahead. Hot and cold behavior is characterized by intense romantic declarations – gifts, showered praise, tons of affection, constant dates – that will make you feel on top of the world, immediately followed by cold behavior, a complete drop in conversations, ignoring you, and acting as though they’ve lost all interest. They’re likely doing this intentionally as a way of making you rely on them as your sole form of validation and security; when they’re cold, you feel like you want them even more, and when they’re loving, you feel desperate to ‘make’ them stay that way for longer (spoiler alert, you’re not the one in control here).

This kind of behavior can also signify that someone has an avoidant attachment style – when they feel themselves liking someone, they run away. If you’re an anxious partner – desperately clinging to your partner whenever they pull away – this kind of behavior will spell disaster for you and your relationship. The longer you stay, the more attached you’ll feel – you’ll start to wonder why they treat you so well sometimes and so poorly other times, reflecting their behavior onto yourself and feeling like everything they’re doing is your fault. This inconsistency isn’t just confusing; it’s designed to make you stick around longer and leave you more insecure later on. When you try to get out of this kind of relationship and break things off for good, you might notice they’ll beg you for another chance and try to prove they’re going to change – it’s just another step in the cycle, so continue on your merry way and block them wherever possible.