7 Concrete Signs Of A Toxic Relationship Exposed

Recognizing a toxic relationship and understanding the dynamics at play is a crucial skill that can spare you many years of psychological damage. A lot of people miss the signs because they see what they want to see and delude themselves into believing reality is a certain way.

I’ve done this before and the aftermath was utterly devastating.

First, let’s look at why we get into toxic relationships in the first place.

Most often, it’s because it feels like home. If toxicity is what you grew up with or if the only romantic relationships you’ve had were toxic, then it will feel familiar to you. And we will always be pulled toward the familiar, even if it’s damaging to us.

Toxic relationships often start with a pull- we feel this strong pull toward the person and don’t even know why. Our subconscious mind is logging in so much data at any given time- the way they talk, their gestures, their inflection, all of it. And we are usually drawn to someone who feels familiar, usually our most difficult parent. This is the subconscious mind’s way of trying to heal from those old wounds.

Here are some of the strongest indicators of a toxic relationship…

1. You fight dirty.

Lots of couples argue, that’s not always a bad thing and is in fact healthy and normal.

Toxic couples fight different- they fight dirty, they fight to cut the other person down- it’s not about resolution, it’s about fighting to win.

You may fight about the same things over and over again and these fights can become the gateway to just unload. The reason these fights get so ugly is so much repressed rage comes out- the rage isn’t always directed at the person, it’s directed at your past experiences and this person reminds you of those previous traumas and is activating all those old unhealed wounds.

2. You are trying to save them.

You are not here to be a martyr, you are not here to be someone’s savior. If you want to play therapist, go to school and get a degree and become a therapist. A relationship is not your chance to play that role.

Now as someone who was once addicted to fixing broken men, I understand this more than anyone. Want to know part of the allure? It’s a distraction- we become so consumed with fixing someone else we don’t need to think about ourselves. And we believe as soon as we heal him, then we’ll be healed.

That need to play savior is what leads you into codependent relationships- dynamic where one person is weak and one is strong- the weak relies on the strong to help, the strong gets off on feeling so needed.

Maybe the love you experienced growing up was conditional and dependent on how much you did for others. You were only valued if you were in service to others, and it had nothing to do with your inherent value as a person.

Oftentimes we mistakenly think if I can fix them, then he’ll be loyal to me forever. But your service does not guarantee you love or loyalty. More often, you will get taken for granted and used up and your damage case will ditch you and move onto the next when your services are no longer needed.

There is so much that goes on beneath the surface psychologically, and none of it is healthy

3. You think the reason things are so crazy is because you love each other too much.

I remember in the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trials in one of the recordings he said the reason we fight so much is because we just love each other so much. No. No.

People think love will make you do crazy things. That’s not love! That is your perception of love that you developed as a result of an unstable childhood. Maybe your parents fought constantly and they told you we only fight because we love each other and unfortunately, that got wired in and you grew up thinking fighting equals love. Maybe you’ve accepted the chaos because of the intoxicating hit of dopamine that follows when the storm has passed and you make up.

This is what a trauma bond usually looks like. You feel stressed and on edge, not knowing what to expect. You’re flooded with cortisol… but then you get a morsel of what you need. He does something loving or kind and you get a hit of dopamine and feel relieved. Then it’s back to the cortisol and you literally get addicted to the cycle of pain followed by relief, much like a gambler chained to the slot machines losing time after time and getting small wins on occasion that keep him hooked.

4. Explosive anger.

If your partner or you has explosive anger and can fly off the handle over the smallest thing, that’s a sign of a toxic relationship… or a toxic person, but toxic people usually spill their toxicity all over their relationships, making those toxic as well.

If he’s the angry one, then he needs to deal with his issues and you need to deal with why you’re staying with someone who is like this.

In the moment, he may say the most horrible things you’ve ever heard- that you’re the worst thing that ever happened to him, that you’re ruining his life, that his life would be perfect if not for you…

These statements may later be followed up by the sincerest of apologies (and we’re back in the trauma bond loop!). This is a very unhealthy, toxic dynamic and things won’t just magically resolve themselves one day. You can’t stay in a relationship because of how good everything is during the happy times.

I’m sure it’s very easy for him to be the perfect partner when you’re on your best behavior… just like it’s easy for me to be the perfect mother when my kids are behaving like little angels! But that’s not the reality of the situation. The true test of your relationship is what does it look like when things aren’t perfect? When you have a need that’s inconvenient for him? When you feel triggered by something? When your needs are in conflict? Then what does it look like? Then how do you relate to one another?

5. They won’t accept responsibility for anything.

It’s always your fault, never his (or hers).

A toxic person will never accept responsibility under any circumstances. This is also the biggest sign of a narcissist so really watch out for this behavior!

They will whip up the wackiest word salad you can conceive in an effort to prove why they’re right and you’re wrong.

You can’t ever be in a healthy relationship with someone who will never be accountable for their actions, emotions, and reactions.

6. Gaslighting.

There is a lot of gaslighting that goes on in toxic relationships. Basically, your partner makes you feel crazy for your interpretation of reality or events. I dated a raging narcissist once and he refused to be official with me even though we spent all our time together and were exclusive. When I would bring up being official, he made me feel like I was being unreasonable and irrational for wanting the title and I was being unfair to him. True story. When friends would ask about our relationship, I presented his argument to them, even believing it myself and buying into the idea that I was selfish for wanting a commitment from someone I was essentially in a committed relationship with.

Your partner may gaslight you, questioning your sanity by claiming you’re overreacting, being overdramatic, or too sensitive. And you start to question if maybe your feelings are invalid. People who grew up being invalidated for having emotions are especially susceptible to the gaslighting trap.

7. Isolates you from friends and family.

A toxic partner or narcissist needs you to need them because that’s how they gain power and control over you. It’s hard to do that with opposing forces so they may convince you that your friends and family members don’t really care about you the way he does.

8. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

You can’t just be. It feels like you’re walking through a minefield-  and you are! You never know what will trip that explosive anger we discussed earlier and  cause a whole mess.

The best part about being in a healthy relationship is that you can just be your authentic self. If you have a bad day or negative emotion that’s OK, you won’t be punished for it. Love is given freely without conditions or ultimatums.

Those are the basic tenants of a toxic relationship. If this sounds familiar to you, then it might be time to reassess what you want.

Can it be saved?

Sometimes. But it comes from both sides. In life, all you can do is take 100% responsibility for that which is 100% under your control. And you have to abandon 100% responsibility for that which is not under your control.

You can control how you may be contributing to the toxic dynamic… it usually does take two to tango. How are you feeding into the drama? What trauma do you need to heal from? In what ways might you be toxic?

Look deep within yourself and make a plan for how you will deal with whatever comes up so you can begin to heal.

But that’s not enough. Your partner also has to be doing the same, otherwise you don’t stand a chance. Both people need to be fully committed to healing and making it work. That is the only way out of this and if you don’t have that, then it’s time to move on.