What Each Birth Month Is Too Proud to Admit

Sometimes a ten-minute explanation is hiding a five-word confession. You wanted the invitation. You wanted to win. You wanted them to notice. Pride can be surprisingly talkative when it’s trying to keep one small thing quiet. Here’s what might finally come out if you stopped explaining.

January

You might be ready to give up on a dream everyone still associates with you. That is a difficult thing to say when people keep asking how it’s going, remembering how fiercely you once wanted it. You have become so good at giving the progress report that you can deliver it without asking yourself whether any of it still feels exciting. Meanwhile, an entirely different possibility has started occupying your thoughts. You look it up when you have a little time alone. You haven’t told anyone yet, partly because you’re still getting used to how happy the idea makes you.

February

The flowers would work on you. So would the embarrassingly earnest love letter, the song dedication, and the person who remembers the exact date of your first kiss. You can have wonderfully unusual taste and still go a little weak over a very ordinary romantic gesture. Naturally, you would make a joke about how corny it was. You would also keep the card in a drawer for the next twenty years.

March

You remember who returned the favor. You remember who didn’t, too, although you feel faintly guilty even admitting there is a difference in your mind. When someone needed a ride, you went. When they needed to talk, you stayed on the phone. You meant all of that kindness at the time.

But now you’re the one having a difficult week, and the silence is getting to you. The confession is uncomfortable because you like thinking of yourself as someone who gives freely. Sometimes, though, you catch yourself counting what you’ve done, wondering how much more generous you’d have to be before someone thought to check on you.

April

It was a friendly game. You understand that. You have mentioned how friendly it was several times while explaining the rule everyone apparently misunderstood. April, you wanted to win, and being told that the important thing was having fun has somehow made losing worse. You will recover. You will even congratulate the winner. But if they’re available next Saturday, you would like to arrange a completely casual rematch.

May

You knew you were wrong halfway through the argument. Unfortunately, you had already spoken with tremendous confidence, and now there was the small matter of finding your way back. You asked a few additional questions. You pointed out a technicality. You said, “Well, what I actually meant was…” Somewhere underneath all that explanation, the original point was quietly being abandoned. The other person would probably enjoy hearing you admit this as much as you would enjoy changing the subject.

June

You mentioned something you care about, then immediately made it sound ridiculous. The class you’re taking. The story you’re writing. The thing you’d love to try if you could stand being a beginner in public. Getting the laugh gave you somewhere comfortable to go, but now everyone is talking about something else and you wish you’d stayed serious for another minute. You had more to say. You’d thought about this on the way over, imagining the questions they might ask. Being funny comes easily enough that people sometimes miss how much you wanted that particular conversation.

July

You would love to be fussed over. Someone making you a plate before you get up, remembering the blanket you like, insisting you sit while they finish the washing-up. The trouble is that you can barely let an offer of help leave someone’s mouth before you’ve said you’re fine. Then you spend the rest of the evening doing things you secretly hoped another person would take over. By the time you sit down, your tea is cold and everyone believes you had it handled. You were very convincing.

August

You want the compliment. A specific one, preferably, from somebody whose opinion matters to you. You know how much work went into what you’ve done, but hearing another person notice the difficult part still makes your whole day. When you say, “Oh, that? Thank you,” the casual delivery is doing a remarkable amount of work. Later, you may remember their exact wording while brushing your teeth and find yourself smiling around the toothbrush.

September

“I don’t know” can be surprisingly hard to get out when everyone has turned toward you for an answer. You can feel the expectation before anybody says it: surely you’ve read about this, thought it through, found the best way. Sometimes you haven’t. Sometimes you’re looking at the same unfamiliar problem they are, trying to buy yourself thirty seconds with a thoughtful expression. It gets especially awkward when someone begins repeating your first guess as though it were reliable information. Now you have two things to work out: the answer, and how to interrupt your own growing reputation for knowing it.

October

The canceled plans were a relief. You sent a sympathetic reply and meant it; you do hope your friend gets some rest. You also took your shoes off with a speed that suggested you had been waiting for permission all afternoon.

You love people. You love an evening when you can finish a thought without saying it aloud, too. Tonight you can eat when you’re hungry, watch the episode nobody else likes, and leave a perfectly pleasant message unanswered until morning. At the moment, you’re enjoying having the whole couch to yourself.

November

You got attached before you let it show. There was a stretch of time when you were describing someone as “a person I’ve been talking to” while already knowing which stories you wanted to tell them next. You noticed when they were quieter than usual. You caught yourself remembering a detail they’d mentioned days earlier. From the outside, you were still deciding how you felt. Privately, their name appearing on your phone had been changing your mood for weeks.

December

For someone who likes to keep the weekend open, you’ve become suspiciously attached to Sunday lunch at the same friend’s house. You know where the extra plates are. You have a favorite spot on the couch afterward. Somewhere along the way, knowing exactly what to expect became part of why you wanted to go. Admitting that would invite a great deal of teasing from the people who’ve heard your speeches about spontaneity. So when your friend suggests making lunch a regular thing, you manage a casual “Sure.” You had already been hoping they’d ask.