5 Signs You’re Not In Love, You’re In A Fantasy Relationship Called Limerence

I know you’ve never felt a love as intense like this before. You feel a soul-aligning connection with your person. You might not be in a relationship with them right now because of distance or life circumstances. However, that doesn’t change the fact that every fiber of your being and body is calling you to be with them.

The truth is, the relationships that are meant for you will eventually make their way to you. They may have a touch of unexplainable yearning and desire, but generally, they will leave you feeling calm and steady. 

You will have a real relationship with the person you’re meant to be with. You will speak to them and spend time with them in a tangible way. Your relationship won’t be based solely on texts or voice calls. Eventually, your person will be right in front of you. You will go on dates. You’ll explore what they like and uncover their dislikes. You will have conflicts and work through them. You will see their flaws and will plainly see that they are not perfect or magical. In fact, the relationship might even seem boring.

If you are suffering from extreme love followed by heartache, if you cannot fully see the person as they are (which most likely you aren’t), you might be experiencing limerence. Limerence is a mental state shown by profound romantic infatuation, intense obsession, and whimsical longing. The emotions are so strong they can range from elation to utter despair. Here are some signs you’re in limerence, not love.

1. A lack of clarity into the type of person the object of your affection really is. 

When relationships are based on limerence, you choose certain characteristics and experiences about the person you are in ‘love’ with and bend them into a larger narrative about who they are, rather than letting time fill in the gaps. Your perspective of them is so restricted that you can’t truly understand who they are. This would mean accepting them for both their good and unhealthy traits. You never connect with the person enough to build a genuine relationship. 

A relationship is a dance, an uncovering of personalities, and eventually a choice. If you’re unable to choose each other after learning about all the baggage, pain points, and potentially negative attributes, there is a lack of realness in the relationship. You are not seeing clearly, a telling sign of limerence.

2. Intrusive, involuntary thinking about your desired person that takes up your whole day. 

Are your thoughts about your partner all-consuming and interfering with your ability to live your everyday life? Maybe you find yourself making up stories, meanings, and symbolism out of seemingly trivial events. If this is the case, it indicates that you’re experiencing limerence and not reality. If you find yourself fantasizing and obsessing about even the most fleeting or minor interactions with a person, you’re experiencing limerence. If you imagine your future together even though you’ve had no genuine relationship, you’re experiencing limerence.

3. Your life stops and your focus becomes on the other person.

Does your whole life stop when you get into a relationship? It may be difficult for you to concentrate on anything other than your actual or perceived partner. Your friends grumble that they don’t see you anymore and that they miss you. You’re no longer interested in your hobbies because your heart only longs for your partner or crush. You can’t concentrate at work. You rush through projects so you can run home to your person. You’re not even interested in life. You only want to return to the bubble you’ve created with your person. Love is steady. It adds to your life. Love expands your life while limerence consumes it and closes it in.  

4. You feel emotionally dependent on the littlest reaction from your desired person.

Another sign of limerence is a strong, persistent need for “your person” to feel deeply, madly, and obsessively about you—like you do them. When you’re not with them, your anxiety skyrockets, and you feel like you’re withdrawing from a drug. Because you aren’t seeing the person or relationship clearly in the first place, you exaggerate every meaning behind their behavior. This can lead to mood swings, feeling high, out of this world, and elated when they show you affection. Then boom! You go into a deep depression, worry, or rage at any perceived sign of rejection. These yo-yo emotions negatively affect your mental health long-term. 

5. You’re desperately seeking validation from your desired person.

You’re hungry for their approval of you and the relationship. Start paying attention to how much your partner affects your mood and why you’re so thrown off if they don’t respond the way you want them to.

Couples’ therapist Silva Depanian, LMFT says that love requires an exchange of feelings between partners. In contrast, limerence only requires a craving for that exchange, leading to a one-sided relationship. In love, both partners understand and accept each other’s flaws and strengths. When you feel sparks and butterflies about a person, it might be because it’s a new experience to you, not necessarily that the person is unique. You’re exploring a new part of yourself that they are bringing forward. Take time to learn more about the person, their personality, hopes, dreams, and whether or not you can actually have a future together. 

Here’s how to reduce encounters of limerence.

Take relationships slowly. If you feel this person is your soulmate, are swept up in infatuation, or are daydreaming about them—step back. Refrain from intimacy and just spend time getting to actually know who they are, not who you want them to be.

Don’t just catch red flags, but leave. The beginning of your relationship or situation-ship is the best time to detect red flags. However, so often, we justify red flags and wait them out. This is the time to call out negative behavior and leave. I could say wait it out and see, but most often, this is who the person is. They are not just having a bad day. They are not just going to magically treat you better unless they’re actively on a healing journey, to begin with. You’re not going to fix them. Leave.

Practice self-care. Self-care is essential for self-soothing and dealing with those intensely uncomfortable feelings of longing. Say kind words to yourself. You can stand it. You will survive the separation, though you don’t see how right now. Take rest, spend time with close friends, and rediscover what makes you happy. 

Consider seeing an attachment therapist. Most likely, you are dealing with attachment trauma, which is not your fault. Somewhere in your life, you were made to feel like you weren’t good enough and abandoned. This could lead to anxiety, withdrawal, or avoidance in your relationships. Consider seeing an attachment therapist to help you work through your trauma.