If You Want A High Quality Man, Start Looking Here (Hint: It’s Not Dating Apps)

Where are the intelligent, growth-minded, decent humans hanging out?

I did an inventory of my last three significant relationships and realized all three of them didn’t involve a dating app. One of the biggest questions I get asked as a dating coach (usually from frustrated women trying to meet people online) is: “Where do I find high-quality people to date?”

Where are the intelligent, growth-minded, decent humans hanging out? I won’t disagree, online dating does involve a lot of trial and error, rejection, dead-ends, and stamina, but apps and dating sites aren’t the only way to meet a future partner.

I see 50% of my clients meet their partners online and the other 50% meet through organic means. Here are my suggestions if you want to delete the apps forever and still end up in your dream relationship.

1. Join communities

I met my current partner after joining an online Slack community for content creators. After networking and proactively reaching out to the members of the group I started to make new connections. These were people I would DM a couple times a week, share resources with, and check-in to say hello from time to time. About three months after making a connection with a career coach in San Francisco, she email introduced me to a male friend of hers in NYC, where I also lived. Now a year later, we’re dating and have traveled to four counties and seven cities together.

Another client of mine joined a travel community that planned organized group trips. Within two months of the first initial trip, she met her current boyfriend. Now they travel together and share a nomadic lifestyle.

The last example I have is a client of mine who joined a golf club. She made friends with the other members, showed up multiple times a week, and within four months met her boyfriend through this shared interest.

If you want to increase your chances of making valuable, quality connections, communities are a great place to do it. There are numerous in-person existing communities you can become a part of. Think: Authentic Relating or Tantra Speed Dating that meet in cities across the US. There are also many online niche communities. In my case, it ended up being a woman who connected me to my new partner. The idea that you need to only go where the opposite gender spends time is incorrect. Connections of all types can lead you to your desired outcome.

2. Invest in yourself

Two of my last three partners came into my life after I started investing in my personal growth. The first I met at a one-day course focused on mindfulness and man-woman dynamics. We were in the same class and he asked me out afterwards. We dated for about six months. The second and more serious partner I met was after I decided to continue investing in myself and spent five figures on a six-month coach training course. It was full of intelligent, interesting, and committed-to-growth individuals I spent six months learning with. I made lasting friendships and it’s where my ex and I created our relationship. There were at least three other couples that I know that came from that program, too.

If you want to meet high-caliber people, I hate to break it to you, but you have to spend money. All the interesting people have something in common. They value themselves, desire to have rich experiences, and aren’t afraid to pay to have them. If you want to test it out, go to a free “networking event” or free anything. I can guarantee that the quality of people will be significantly less. Even a $30 entrance fee weeds out the serious people from the not.

You’re worth it. Be willing to pay to have the life you want. The community I met my partner from was $250. The six-month program was significantly more. It all equaled out but the common theme was I wasn’t afraid to pay to play.

3. Be Proactive

If I had never reached out to introduce myself to that career coach in San Francisco, I wouldn’t be in the amazing relationship I am today. If my client had never signed up for a golf membership, she would still be single. If my other client had never said yes and booked the trip with the travel community, she wouldn’t be traveling with her new man.

The common denominator? Being proactive.

You have to take a stand for the life you want which means making decisions, spending money, and trusting your desires. An amazing partner is not just going to show up on your door unannounced. You find them through improving yourself, finding out makes you happy, and taking the initiative to expand your circle and network.

Joining into groups of people and finding existing communities to become a part of is an efficient way to meet a lot of new people in a short period of time. Investing in yourself and in new experiences can almost guarantee you’ll meet committed, growth-minded people too. Being proactive and taking consistent action towards the life you want to create will ensure you are always taking steps forward instead of staying stuck and remaining powerless over your situation. If you hate the idea of online dating then try one of these approaches. It’s worked for me, women I coach, and friends of mine too. Your person is out there waiting for you to make the effort to find them.