There’s A New Dating Trend Called ‘Pen-Paling’ And It’s Worse Than Actual Ghosting

So there I was, scrolling and swiping through one of my dating apps. Then you popped up.

Wow. Tall. Ruggedly good-looking. Non-smoker. Social drinker. Outdoorsy. Right age. College-educated. Business owner. You checked all my boxes for sure.

I clicked on the heart icon pretty darn fast. Luckily, you liked me too. It was a match, so let the fun begin. We messaged a bit on the site. You wrote: “I’m definitely interested in you.” So we exchanged numbers and graduated to texting with some great phone conversations peppered in. I even selected a special ringtone just for you, so I’d recognize your text or call.

But after three weeks of “good morning, gorgeous” or “sweet dreams, beautiful” and various messages in between, we never met in the flesh, even though it seemed like we would at any point.

What gives?

Well, my story describes how we can get sucked into a guy who seems attentive and interested and might possibly represent relationship material. But the truth is, we’ve wandered blindly into the limbo land of what I call “pen-paling.” This is a new word I’m adding to the language of modern dating, along with ghosting, gaslighting, breadcrumbing, fading out, and all that highly offensive behavior.

Pen-paling occurs when someone texts you all the time, daily or even multiple times a day, calls you at times and talks your ear off forever … BUT (and this is a big BUT) he never makes plans or asks you out on a date. This noncommittal behavior goes on for weeks, sometimes for a couple of months. If you try to pin him down to meet in person, he is vague about it or may cancel out if a date has been set in motion.

The reasons guys do this could be as countless as grains of sand on the beach. They may be insecure, fearing you won’t like them and may reject them. They may be shy, lonely, juggling multiple women, married, in a relationship but liking you up as a backup, or the one I’m so sick of: they claim to be too “crazy busy.”

Whatever the reason, they keep you around as a pen pal. In the process, they get a dopamine hit (chemical ego boost) every time you reply to the ongoing chatter. In short, they get their rocks off on their own crappy behavior and your response. The worst part is that we begin to pin our daily happiness and value on those texts and phone calls (which usually never come or are sporadic), and we feel depressed and depleted when we are ignored.

Clearly, guys who pen-pal us are not in it. We shouldn’t be in it either. I don’t want anyone who runs hot and cold with my heart. I have better things to do with my days than wait for a text, a phone call, an email, or a date that never comes.

I no longer want to waste precious mental and emotional energy wondering if this guy will come around or even if he’s worth waiting for (he’s not). I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who can so easily let a day or two days or more days slip by without talking to me.

So what do we do about this? Honestly, there aren’t any rules about how long you should talk to someone before you go on a date with them. But when you get to the three or four-week mark with no date, it’s time to cut it off. Sorry, no guy is worth the wait. If a man is really interested in you, he will move mountains to meet you. I want a mountain-mover, don’t you?

For starters, tell him that you are not a call center for men. It’s not your responsibility to respond endlessly to this communication as it drags on. You want a partner, not a pen pal.

Second, if you’re really interested in meeting, tell him something like: “I would love to meet you. I’m available Thursday night at 6:30 this week. Let’s meet at (insert a convenient place) for a drink.” If that date doesn’t work, propose another one. But stop there. Not only are you NOT a call center, you are not a scheduler.

Third, move on. Pen-paling can get boring fast. You have already invested time and energy in this person. Stop wasting any more of your precious time with this pen-pal. All those minutes, maybe even hours, you spend texting him, you could be meeting guys who have real time for you and care about investing that time in you.

As for my pen pal, we had too many almost dates. He was never all in with me, so he got none of me.

I’ve been going out with guys who not only stay in touch, they take me out and cherish their time with me. I don’t have to wonder if and when they’re going to text or call (they do). I’ve discovered that there are men out there who are not only interested in building a relationship, they actually do something about it.

Don’t wait for these pen pals to come around. They probably never will. You’re a beautiful prize, just not for these guys – and you deserve a high-effort man who makes time and plans for you and with you.