This Is The Biggest Love Lesson I Ever Learned In Therapy

I’ll celebrate my 31st birthday at the end of this month, but I’m more excited to celebrate one year of consistent therapy. Reflecting on this past year, I feel an immense sense of gratitude for therapy because I can honestly proclaim that it has catapulted every aspect of my life forward.

I’d also like to note that this was my third attempt at seeing a therapist. The first two times were short-lived and mostly unhelpful because I did not connect with my therapist during these occurrences. The therapist I currently see was a match from Day 1.

Chemistry is a vital component of one’s personal success with therapy. Why is this so important? Because the more comfortable you are with a therapist, the more vulnerable you can be with them; the more you share, the more you learn about yourself. It turns out, what you get out of therapy is a reflection of what you put into it; who knew?

While it’s been one of my loneliest years romantically, it’s been one of my strongest years mentally. Putting yourself first can be lonely at times, but I believe it is necessary for you to find and welcome meaningful relationships into your life.

I can say from experience that when you put in the work to be consistently honest and painfully vulnerable, you’ll start to grow in ways you never saw possible. While I am incredibly thankful for my mind, heart, and body for getting me to this point, there is one major lesson I wish to share with others that really clicked for me this past year: a relationship worthwhile is a relationship you’re happy outside of. No single relationship with another person can be your sole source of happiness.

If you feel anxiety the moment you’re not with the person you like, love, or lust over, that is not a relationship nor a vessel that deserves any of your time and energy, two precious resources given to each and every one of us that also happen to be nonrenewable.

I began to grasp this concept by putting my happiness into my own hands and not relying on anyone else to act as that power source for me. You see, you are your constant; you are your forever. So, you have to prioritize that relationship before you can thrive in other relationships with friends, colleagues, family, and romance.  

I’m going to be 31 and I’m still single. While there is still so much negative judgment towards that lifestyle—especially if you’re a woman—I feel so proud to say that I feel incredibly powerful today. Time alone has allowed me to understand myself further so that I can let that influence whom I seek out romantically—instead of settling and getting trapped in unhealthy relationship environments. I want love in my life, but I want the love that I deserve. Firm in that standard, many moments have felt lonely. But I’ve also been far from alone. I’ve started putting more effort into the positive influences I have in my life, growing stronger and deeper connections with those individuals. Consequently, I’ve built boundaries with those I’ve identified as negative influences while aiming to stay curious and mindful of what sparks joy.

While 30 has been a lonely year for me, I’ve practiced vulnerability more than ever before. I’ve dated people it didn’t work with, but I practiced transparency and honesty with those interactions. Over the summer, I traveled to Europe for the first time by myself and lived abroad for one month, meeting people from all over the world. Last month I moved into a new apartment and new environment inspired by all the things I’ve learned about myself this past year. And somewhere along the way, I fell in love with me.

I grew up thinking that loving myself was selfish and could be misconstrued as self-obsessed. I see now that it was the missing piece I needed; it was the cause of looking for the wrong relationships to fill that gaping hole I had within my heart.

We often confuse obsession with love, letting someone else distribute when we have our highs and lows. Remember that a temporary relationship high will never be worth the constant personal lows that come with it.

I wish we celebrated each other’s relationships with ourselves as much, if not more, as we do with marriages and engagements. Because that is precisely what guides people towards meaningful and lasting connections—and healthier romantic partnerships. The relationship you have with yourself supports every aspect of your life—but it’s not visually translated as highly as a proposal or a wedding anniversary photo.

Maybe we’ll start to celebrate the relationships we have with ourselves someday. But until then, I challenge you to lead that cause by example. There is no timeline you should be on but your own, and the best way to navigate that current is to know yourself at every level.

Prioritize the relationship you have with yourself and the additional relationships you seek will follow. You see, the more you know about yourself, the more you share with others, and the more lasting connections you can find to experience life with.

You are worthy of all of this and more.