Mom, My Heart Aches Without You

This grief is unpredictable. My emotions are unpredictable. I’m okay (as okay as I can be given the situation) one second and the next I get hit with feeling so sick, so weak, so shakey, and the tears overwhelm my body to the point I can’t even make any noise. Everything just hurts within me. My entire being aches.

I know when these low waves come I need to feel through them, I need to express them however my body wants me to, I need to feel the emotion in its entirety so I can find peace, so it passes (even if it comes again) but wow — nothing prepares you for this.

I thought I’ve touched darkness before in moments of deep depression, but this is a whole different kind darkness. It’s an emptiness. It hurts because this could have been preventable. She had so much life left in her. But I guess certain souls just can’t handle the pain. They can, but they choose not to, for whatever reason we’ll never be able to understand.

I can’t call my mom anymore when I’m struggling. I can’t just sit with her and talk this through. I’m trying. But it’s different. And it’s that aching for just one more of our talks that hurts more than words can describe. It’s the aching for her presence, the presence of her true self when her darkness wasn’t near, that hurts more than words can describe.

To be honest, there were a lot of times I didn’t want to talk to her because I knew she was in a low moment and it triggered me. But looking back, I know she always tried to be there for me the best she could. Life is hard to handle, I don’t blame her.

I know she’s at peace. I know she’s more okay than I can even fathom, but that knowing doesn’t make this grief easier. That knowing makes me feel better for a moment maybe, but I wish so badly she could’ve found the peace and healing she needed here. I wish so badly this didn’t have to be the only way.

I know I’ll be okay, I know I’ll never fully heal until we meet again, but I know there’s so much for me to learn through this, so much life to live that she didn’t live, there is so much sunshine to be felt even through the darkness.

We’ll be okay. We will.