These Are The 3 Stages Of Limerence
Limerence is “love at first sight.”
It is a state of infatuation with and a longing for another person. It is an all-consuming passion, or rather, obsession. It begins with a dopamine rush, much like love does.
These are the 3 stages of limerence —
Attachment/Infatuation
This phase is all about getting to know one another. It’s about bonding, developing an emotional connection, spending time together, and creating a safe space for one another to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and intimate.
During this time, it’s about uncovering each other’s personalities. However, when it’s limerence, you don’t get into the nitty-gritty details and experiences that shaped one another.
When in this stage, some people get lost in the idea that maybe they’re falling in love. However, this is not love, but rather, attachment. Love is selfless, secure, deep, and free. Attachment is selfish, codependent, and restrictive. You’re attached to the idea of this person and what they can provide for you and your narrative. In this stage, you become so fixated on this person. Not only can you not stop thinking about them, but you are so dependent on them and the attention they give you. When you’re not with them or talking to them, your anxiety skyrockets. You’re deeply dependent on their attention and validation.
Crystallization
This is when the white-hot passion comes in. It is a full-blown attraction and obsession. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this person.
In this stage, you don’t see the full picture. You don’t see this person for who they really are. Although you’ve gotten to know one another, you haven’t seen–or maybe refuse to admit you see–their red flags. In fact, you choose certain characteristics of this person and put them in a box to fit your narrative.
According to relationship experts, “You’re unintentionally reducing their complex personhood down to a manic pixie concept, shaped primarily by your hopes and dreams and what they can offer you.” This is the halo effect: you’re blinded by love (or what you think is love) and your better judgment is clouded.
Sometimes, you might be so infatuated with this person that you are willing to uproot your entire life and lose your own moral beliefs in order to be with this person. In a way, you are settling. You’re so blinded by love that you don’t care if the person is right for you or not or if the relationship is actually fulfilling you.
Deterioration
In limerence, you abandon your morals and better judgment and make decisions based on the narrative you’ve created about this person and your relationship. Some people might move in together only after dating a few months. Some people might even get married.
As time goes on and the euphoric feelings of “love” wear off, you will start to see the relationship for what it really is. You will start to notice the red flags and the halo effect will disappear. You will re-evaluate your relationship and most likely, end things.
It’s not easy to see the differences between love and limerence. But when you do notice them, it will make you more aware of how you are in relationships and how you can avoid this kind of attachment in the future.