7 Significant Losses You Didn’t Know You Were Grieving

1. Hopes and dreams

Loss of hopes and dreams refers to having a life that never actualized. It’s thinking you have everything figured out, only to have nothing go as planned. You’re entitled to grieve your lost life. Maybe you thought the love of your life would be your forever partner but for some reason, circumstances never seem to work out. Maybe you thought you’d be settled in your career but ended up on a different path. Life did not follow the course you outlined. Now you’re trying to squeeze yourself into a life that doesn’t feel like it was designed for you.

You live each day striving for a new dream. You’re searching for new meaning while unknowingly grieving. You clutch your deep sadness close to your heart because you feel guilty for harboring your grief. You have the right to mourn the loss of your hopes and dreams. In fact, you must. It’s the dance of letting and release that helps you make amends with your new life.

2. Independence

You’ve carried out daily tasks on your own until now. Whether it’s due to injury or having to factor someone else in your life, you miss your independence. You miss being able to navigate your world without answering to anyone else. Sharing aspects of your life with another person is an adjustment, no matter how in love or close-knit you are. Appreciating what you have doesn’t negate that you miss what you had. You cannot guilt trip your way into appreciation. Your grief is both valid and necessary.

3. Innocence

Innocence is naivety. Innocence is a beautiful concept as it looks for the inherent good. Innocence minimizes having to constantly watch your back, question motives or good intentions. Innocence in some aspects absolves you of responsibility. You don’t have to worry about what you don’t know.

You became an adult before you were ready. You had to move fast, swallow emotions, and maybe even act as a parent to your caregivers. There’s a deep aspect of your being that longs to be cared for. There’s an aspect that wishes you could drown out adult responsibilities and fully appreciate the elements of fun, laughter, and play. Being an adult somehow feels like you can never wholly relax into happiness. You’re looking over your shoulder, wondering when it will be snatched away. Grieving your innocence entails reclaiming new aspects of childlike qualities in your adult life. It’s about holding space for your vulnerability, finding safe spaces, and fully experiencing joy. You shed tears. You let the waves of emotion wash over you until your grief is released.

4. A moment that was never acknowledged 

Disenfranchised grief includes grieving a moment that was never acknowledged. Disenfranchised grief attempts to control who is allowed to grieve and, as a result, who receives support, acknowledgment, and validation. We become disempowered when we do not receive recognition for our loss and grieving process. Society says you shouldn’t be grieving. As a result, you feel like you can’t talk about your loss. Disenfranchised grief can show up as being unable to grieve abortion, an ex-spouse, a pet, a coworker, suicide, an accidental drug overdose, an HIV/AIDS death, a secret relationship, and much more. Your circumstances do not diminish or disqualify your grieving process. The cause of your grief has no bearing on whether or not you receive help and support. If you’re holding on to unrecognized grief, I want you to know that your grief is not any less legitimate.

5. Seeing the world as safe, good, or just

Thanks to Disney, you might have viewed the world through rose-colored glasses. You thought that the world was inherently good and fair, but it’s not. You felt that others would treat you with the same respect you showed them, but they don’t. You thought being honest would be met with honesty. No.

It can be difficult to hold on to hopes of the future when you struggle to see better humans and a better world. It can be discouraging to see the way onwards when you have nothing to look forward to. You need time to recognize and process how you will move forward given these new perspectives. You’re allowed to grieve a world you hoped for and never knew. You hold on to hope by cherishing the moments, people, and relationships that help you remember goodness and kindness.

6. Collective pain

Collective pain is grieving a loss that happened to an entire community or large group. It can happen after world events, war, natural disasters, or by continually being exposed to media. Sometimes your grief is not your own. Collective grief can go unrecognized or unacknowledged because it can be challenging to explain to someone else. It’s heavy. It’s dark and leaves a veil on your life. It can be tricky for someone to understand how you feel so intensely about events seemingly unrelated to you. The distress you feel in response to the suffering of others feels like your own. Please know that you can grieve with others without needing to explain yourself. You do not need to justify this grief. Collective pain comes in waves. It’s important to rest during these moments and remember the intensity will decrease with time and self-care.

 7. Identity

Identity is the amalgamation of all aspects of yourself. It’s made up of your thoughts, memories, outlook, persona, and expression of character. Stepping into a different role or life event you’ve never experienced can feel like a loss. Grieving your identity is all-encompassing. You’re trying to get your bearings. How do you navigate a world where you don’t know who you are? The answer is immersion. You put one foot in front of the other and observe how pieces of reclaimed identity come to you. You start to build yourself in new forms. You explore, adapt, or release. Be gentle with yourself; remember, figuring yourself out takes time. The rush you feel is only what you place on yourself.

Grief is a process of healing

There is no set time for grieving. It’s part of your healing journey. Some days you feel depleted. You think despair comes out of nowhere for no reason, but it’s your silent grief. Acknowledging your grief brings healing. Grief is an act of patience with the process and allowing your feelings to stream with the help of a therapist, and other times, a friend or advisor. Please remember to give yourself the time, space, and the comforts you need. Rather than blaming yourself for the past or present, empathize with your loss. Look at yourself through the lens of compassion, as you would a friend. Incorporate new ways of being in your life. 

Healing work is acknowledging the significant losses you didn’t know you were grieving.