A Conversation With My Anorexia

Trigger warning: Eating disorders

Anorexia has gripped me many times, but this has been her worst. At least, I hope this is her worst. I am drowning. Ana has become stronger, or I have become weaker. Ana is winning and I am certainly taking the hits. 

You are not sick enough, so you cannot eat. You have to be thin enough for people to believe that I control you. You are choosing me. You aren’t even fighting me because you know I protect you. I keep you safe and comforted. Ignore the physical signs, I am keeping you safe. I promise.

Like a reassured lie, I shouldn’t believe what she says to me, but she captivates me. She makes me beautiful promises about how much better life will be if only I continue down her path. She promises that thinner is better, she promises my anxiety will calm; I just need to listen to her! 

I promise they do not care about you. You do not need to eat. Not now. You are doing so well! I’m so proud of you for fighting the urge of consumption. So strong. Keep going. You have got this. If you really wanted to stop, you could, but we both know you do not want that. You love this. We know you love this. 

Ana twists my thoughts and I can no longer differentiate. Ana is not me, I am not Ana. Right?

We are one and the same! My voice is so loud for you because my voice brings you the most comfort. You are practicing self-control, and you are doing so well. Keep going, I promise you will not regret it.

Does Ana continue to say these until she kills me? Will she kill me, or is she really keeping me safe?

I have been with you through so much, I care for you. I am proud of you, and I promise to continue to keep you safe. Keep going. Don’t fight against me. I am your friend. Your very best friend. 

Love, Ana.