NEOSiAM 2021

A Goodbye Letter From My Hurting Heart

Dear You,

When I met you, I would have never imagined I’d have the feelings for you that I do right now. I never would have dreamed that the feelings of love I have circulating through my body would be caused by you. 

I started to notice you in small moments. The way you responded to someone asking you a question with such intellect. The way your mouth curves when you laugh. How helpful you are to everyone around you. You give off an aura of safety I cannot really put into words.

One day, with all the courage I had in my body, I admitted I liked you, and at first you didn’t really seem like you wanted anything to do with me, so I backed away. Then, out of nowhere, you took some interest in me, and I became enamored quickly.  You knew too—you knew how strong my feelings were. I verbalized them. 

We became closer and closer. We would text all day every day, we spoke on the phone for hours at a time, we even hung out together. We shared countless laughs through banter in text, and with funny videos. Communicating with humor was a thing. 

There were also moments you comforted me. You sat with me in my sadness and helped pull me up. You just plain flat out cared. I thought, maybe he does like me, but you did not. I was a place filler. Someone who sat there and consistently lifted you up and provided reassurance that you are one of the best men to ever exist. Although you never asked for my admiration, you accepted it because I think it was exactly what you needed at the time. I was helping you build back up from being knocked down. You would never believe me if I told you that, so I’ll just keep that to myself.

But what do I have here now? A hurting heart. Because you completely switched up on me. No more texts all day, no more phone calls, no more funny videos and pictures, it’s all gone. So here I am, in the destruction I created for myself by letting myself believe that wouldn’t fade away. By letting myself believe it wasn’t temporary. I knew it was. I’m responsible for putting myself in a position to get hurt. I knew when I opened this door that I was willingly crossing the threshold into heartbreak. I knew it and I did it anyway because it made me happy. Everyone knows that if something makes you really happy, the withdrawal is soul crushing. 

However, I will be okay. Now I just know how much more careful I need to be with my heart.