A Short List Of Things I Never Got To Tell You

I don’t want to fight anymore.

So this is me laying out how I feel. I hope you read this one day.

1. I’m sorry I asked to see you.

It was unplanned and I shouldn’t have asked. I should never ask. I should know by now life is only on your time—not mine. The scales were never balanced. I needed closure. I wanted closure. I wanted to give it one last shot. But it’s never been about me. It’s always only been about you.

You make it seem so easy to go about your life without any closure after our fights and I don’t get it. You continue enjoying your life while I’m struggling every second to reason why I’m still here trying. Trying to make you hear my cries. 

But it’s okay. One day I’ll be okay. One day I will learn to continue without the closure. It may not be today, but it will happen eventually.

2. I’m sorry I made you my lifeline.

This is wrong of me to expect so much out of you. It was wrong for me to ask you to answer my calls, my texts, and FaceTimes. 

You have no obligations to me anymore. I just got so used to you being the reason I stayed. 

I was drifting through life carelessly and then you came along, smashing my spirit as you rampaged through my life. You conditioned me to want you. You conditioned me to need you. It was just a power trip for you. In the end, all you left me with was a shattered soul. Now, because of you, I’m broken. Waking up wishing I didn’t wake up. I’m tired of feeling sad and depressed every day because of you. Because of you, I’d rather feel nothing at all.

I guess I just fell harder than I expected. But I understand now. I just need to let go of you as my lifeline. Because no matter how hard it is, you’ve made it clear we’re not meant to be in this lifetime. This was a tough pill to swallow, but I’m starting to come to terms with it. 

Thanks to you, I’ve learned to be my own lifeline.

3. Things were bound to break.

Started with my breakdowns when you went out without telling me or answering my calls. Then the bullshit accusations you threw on me when I asked you where you’ve been. Then you not letting me go out, but you continued about your weekends with the boys.

I tried talking to you about things but you weren’t ready to understand or compromise. You didn’t trust me and I kept reassuring you. Yet you never did the same for me. Your pride can be a bitch. 

You belittled me instead of comforting me, made me cry more instead of reassuring me, and ignored my concerns instead of working through things with me.

That was when I realized how little I meant to you.

I started blocking you because you kept pushing me down emotionally, back into a dark hole of depression. I had to protect myself and crawl back out every time. I would isolate myself from you to mend the pieces you left behind.

I guess I’m just done breaking. I’m ready to stop feeling anything for you at all. I’ve depleted my love bucket for you and now it’s time for me to fill my self-love bucket. 

It was a vicious cycle of time not matching up. It was a toxic cycle of neither of us seeing where the other person was coming from. Or maybe it was just where we are at in our lives. Maybe the constellations weren’t in our favor.

Regardless, things happen for a reason. It’s time for me to let you go and heal my soul.

All I wanted to say is I’m sorry that I allowed you to stay as long as you did. Whether you understand today, one day, or never at all, I’ll never know. But I truly hope you find happiness. That’s my parting gift to you.