An Open Letter To My Children During The Holidays

I wish I was able to embrace you each day with a motherly hug and the words “I love you” flowing from my lips. I wish I had the tools to mouth the words deeply hidden in my heart. I wish I could have given you a better life, a life without trauma, a life without sadness, and a life without tears.

I’ve made so many mistakes, I have so many regrets on how I handled things, and at times my sadness could not be hidden. I could not give each of you the attention I would have liked to if our situation had been different. I have often apologized through the years and perhaps shouldered too much responsibility for circumstances beyond my control.

There were so many nights where I was too tired to truly soak in your presence. My role as a mom became robotic and time flew by. Our lives together started out nothing short of beautiful, and for several years after that, we had so many days of laughter, riding bikes, dancing in the living room, flying kites, and priceless memories only a select few get to experience. Our whimsical existence and endless adventures came to an end the day our family dissolved. 

Nothing was ever the same after that. Each of you battled through your own hurt; you dug into your soul to find coping skills that pushed you through the days. You traveled between homes of dysfunction and tried to brave through broken hearts. You retreated into a protective shell, found solace in family members, and escaped from reality with our new puppy.

I won’t babble endless words about how I did the best I could and how we didn’t deserve the endless drama and cards we were dealt. You all have your own story to tell, your own version of events as they pertain to your lives. I am here to validate your feelings, even if I disagree. I am here to listen to the journey as you see it without defending myself or another. You are justified.

I want to portray to my children how much of a lifeline you were to me when I felt hopeless. I want you to see how connected I feel with all of you because of the tough past we traveled together. The mountains we climbed made us strong, empathetic, loyal, appreciative, hardworking, and loving. Life isn’t about riding waves of extreme joy every day, it’s about family uniting through all of it—good and bad.

I reminisce over old home videos and my heart explodes with happiness listening to your belly laughs. You were truly happy, safe, and living as a child should, carefree with endless possibilities.  You woke up every day with new adventures. You spent the day looking for crayfish in the creek, flying through the house in your handmade capes, spending hours drawing chalk masterpieces in the driveway, and asking endless questions to the impulsive thoughts that came to your brain. I loved every minute.

 There were many years that followed that became a blur. We battled that war together; we fought like champions and we carved out a new life. I am so proud of the amazing individuals you turned out to be. There is not another human I could love more than my children. You became intrepid warriors.  You are uniquely born with endless talents. Please listen to your hearts and find your passions in this life. Live with reckless abandonment in your pursuit of joy and determined independence of creating your reality.

Take all of my mistakes as learning experiences to catapult you into manifesting complete abundance—you deserve it!

I will always be walking beside you, behind you, and all around you. I will always be your biggest supporter and forever proud. I may not always say it, but I am so honored to be your mother; you were born for great things. Life has turned around for all of us because of the courageous perseverance we have shown, and because it is our turn. 

To my children at the Christmas holiday, I love you as much as any human can. It will never end even when I leave this body. You are my greatest accomplishment and my greatest love.