Don’t Wish For A Love Like Carrie And Big’s, Because You Deserve So Much More

As iconic as Sex and the City will always be, old and new fans alike anticipating the show’s upcoming revival should remind themselves of one thing: You deserve so much more than a relationship like Carrie and Big.

There is so much to love about Carrie, but not all of her lessons were worth taking. As fabulous as she was, Carrie Bradshaw was flawed in that she was willing to abandon her intuition to find her idea of love while losing herself in other people. Remember that a relationship can be an exciting adventure, but it’s not the only exciting adventure to embark on throughout your life, and it’s certainly not worth losing what makes you you.

While Carrie and Big are fictional characters, in a non-fictional world, they ultimately personify a controlling and manipulative relationship dynamic. Most prominently, when it comes to her relationship with Big, Carrie Bradshaw spent years marketing a lifestyle that taught that if you change everything about yourself to match the needs and wants of a man and you wait around long enough, eventually, you might get him—with the caveat that you’ll only have to change a few more things about yourself.

Like most unevolved men, Big blamed Carrie throughout their up and down relationship. He resented his two divorces, so he took his assumed failure out on Carrie. Admitting fault and acknowledging shame is one of the strongest things a person can do—which is why not everyone can do it. Big used his divorces to rationalize why he couldn’t give Carrie, a woman who had never been married, the wedding of her dreams, which included the glitz, the glam, and most of all, the fashion. Once he agreed to marry her, he left her waiting at the altar on their wedding day. Months later, he agreed to marry her as long as she agreed to do what he wanted: get married at city hall. Carrie told herself that if Big wanted it that way, then so did she.

Carrie often changed what she wanted by agreeing to what Big wanted—or whichever guy she was dating wanted. And that’s not love; that’s avoidance, delusion, and ultimately settling.

Big often wanted Carrie most when she had someone else. I think we’ve all can relate to that, right? When we break up with someone and then suddenly that same person changes their mind and wants us back the literal second we move on and find someone else?

When Carrie had a shot at love and happiness with someone other than Big, he let his ego drive jealous behavior, which is really just a fancy word for territorial. Remember that trying to control someone is not cute, it’s not sweet, and it’s certainly not love.

Balance and compromise are key to a fulfilling, flourishing relationship. But compromising in a relationship does not mean you have to lose yourself. So many of us try to change ourselves to appease the person we’re in a relationship with for the simple notion that we think this will keep the person in our lives. But when compromising is mostly or all one-sided, the person making more effort runs the risk of losing themselves to save a relationship that’s only pushing them further away from their most authentic self. Compromising in a relationship doesn’t mean you choose to lose yourself so that you don’t lose your partner. In a relationship, you have to meet halfway. So, if that’s not happening, look at what you’re losing versus what you think you’re gaining.

Don’t be like Carrie and let the idea of love or empathy put their needs before yours. Remember that a relationship can bring meaning to your life, but it will never be the power source that keeps you going; that force is entirely inside of you. You can still lead with love, just make sure that you start with yourself.

I hope you don’t aspire to find a love like Carrie and Big, because I think you deserve so much more. 

You deserve to find your voice and always stand up for yourself like Miranda.

You deserve to love yourself undoubtedly and honor the skin you’re in like Samantha.

You deserve to hold space for your passions like Carrie with writing and fashion.

You deserve to feel true love to your core that goes beyond the surface, like Charlotte.

You deserve all of this and more.