Here’s The Truth: You’ve Brought Me Joy, But You’ve Brought Way More Hurt

I am a fool. Really. I’m a fool for believing you truly ever cared. And maybe you did. You told me you did. But when have your words ever lined up with your actions?

It’s my fault, really. I’m attached again. You’re never going to be who I need and want you to be. You’re never going to be that guy I wish you would be for me. I should’ve known I’d get this attached again. I forgot how exhausting it is to want someone who will never want me the same way. I wish with everything I have that you would love me but I know you never will. And I don’t think I love you. I think there’s a part of me that won’t let myself love you because I remind myself of all the hurt you’ve caused me over the past year. But oh, if I could love you and you loved me back… how wonderful that would be.

But I need to stop thinking about all of the what-ifs and the could’ve beens and would’ve beens. Because they don’t exist and they never will. I don’t understand you. I never really have. How you can fake your feelings for someone so easily and one day be so present and attentive and the next act as if we’re strangers. I don’t know if you even realize you do it, but whenever you flip that switch it gives me whiplash and it feels like a million knives have been stabbed and twisted into my heart.

I don’t know if I can express in words how much it hurts whenever it feels like you’ve abandoned me. Perhaps it’s just my anxious attachment that makes me feel this way. But if you’re the right person for me, shouldn’t I not be feeling this way? Shouldn’t I not live each day wondering if that’s the day you’re finally going to leave or go back to her? Shouldn’t I not be constantly walking on eggshells trying to keep us together and make it work? I know you’re not the right person for me. I wish so much that you were, but I know you’re not and you probably never will be. And that hurts a lot because that means I’m going to have to get over you all over again and find someone else who’s not you.

It feels like no matter how close we’ve gotten recently, there’s always some kind of wall between us. You always put up a barrier that never lets me all of the way in. I wish you would let me in. I wish I could be that person for you. I wish I could be the person you tell your darkest secrets to, the person you go to when you’re sad, the person you go to for anything. But I’m not. And I’m so tired of waiting around pretending like one day I might be that person for you when deep down I know I never will be.

When I’m with you, everything seems okay. I feel safe, comfortable, and on top of the world. But once you’re gone, all the realizations come rushing back in. I know that no matter the words you said, no matter how tight of a hug you gave me, no matter the way you stared into my soul, I’m never going to be the one you need. That kills me because everything seemed so real. It almost felt like we were actually together. But then you disappeared again and I was left wondering if you found someone better or if I wasn’t enough.

I’m just so tired. I swore to myself this year that this would never happen again. I was over you. Truly. I didn’t miss you or care about what you were doing and I miss that indifference so fucking much. I wish I didn’t care about you like you don’t care about me. I wish it stayed like that. I want to not care. I just don’t know how.

You’ve brought me a lot of joy, but you’ve brought way more hurt. I think through all of the hurt I try to cling to the bits of happiness you give me to survive. I feed off it and when you disappear I hold onto it desperately hoping that it’ll come again.

I don’t want to live like that anymore. I can’t.