Trigger warning: suicide ideation, depression, self-harm
Okay, maybe I do need a grippy sock vacation for a little while, but you will never hear the words come out of my mouth that will get me there.
The only thing I will admit is some nights I go to bed and don’t care if I wake up the next day. My hands tightly clench my steering wheel as I drive down the highway, wondering what would happen if I wrecked. I have no problems taking my anxiety meds in the morning but sometimes I get into deep thought and remember there’s a bottle of meds in my cabinet that could be my way out. I haven’t cut in years, but I still remember the way it felt, so invigorating and relieving.
I just want to feel something, anything at all. I get so sick of waking up each day with nothing to look forward to. No reason to keep going. Part of me constantly wonders what the people I surround myself with would do if I suddenly wasn’t here anymore. Because trust me, to them it would SUDDEN.
Most days I have a smile on my face and act like everything is great. I talk about future plans, asking my friends what’s going on that upcoming weekend. Posting all the good times on social media, laughing and smiling. Never giving a single hint that I went to bed the night before thinking about taking my own life. Even the words ‘taking my own life’ sound so vulgar to me. I know if I took the actions that are in my mind sometimes, that would be exactly what I was doing but I don’t want to commit suicide. I just want more than anything not to exist right now.
That may sound insane, but it makes perfect sense in my mind. When I hear the words ‘suicide’ and ‘someone taking their own life’ I think about the whirlwind of pain it causes the people that are left living without their loved ones. Every memorable moment that person is going to never get to experience. The amount of pain they had to be enduring at that moment to take an action that they knew they could never take back. Their complete loss of hope that things could never get better even when they had a lifetime ahead of them.
That’s not the state of mind I’m in. As much as I don’t want to wake up tomorrow, the feelings of my loved ones weigh so heavily on me. I can’t bear to think of the pain it would cause my friends and family. I don’t want to miss the small things or the big things. I want to live to see the best sunset I’ve ever laid eyes on. So that one day, I can meet the love of my life. Experience my own wedding day and have my dad walk me down the aisle. I want to stick around to taste the best cup of coffee I ever tasted. So that I can see my niece walk across the stage at her high school graduation. I want to be alive to see all my brother’s dreams come true. Be present to support my family at their lowest points. To watch another new season of Outer Banks.
There’s no doubt in my mind every single one of those things are worth staying alive for. Just right now in this moment, I can’t comprehend the time between right now and the next time one of those moments will happen. How long will it be this time until something happens worth living for? How many miserable nights will it take to get to that one good day I am staying around for?
But I’ll keep fighting to make it to one of those days and the next one after that. Hoping that if I push through all these dark thoughts, maybe a brighter day will come. But it’s hard sometimes and lonely as hell. It’s just me, myself, and I constantly fighting all these intrusive thoughts.
If I told anyone the thoughts that come into my mind, they would think that I am mentally insane. There’s a good chance they would start constantly checking on me and maybe even get me admitted. I am confident whomever I told would have zero understanding of why I am feeling the way I am feeling. They would question the honesty behind what I am saying because my thoughts and my actions just don’t line up. I can’t expect anyone to comprehend how I am feeling because most days I can’t comprehend it.
So instead of constantly being looked at like I am made of porcelain and could break at any second, I will keep my thoughts to myself. Continue to lay in bed at night, not knowing whether I want to wake up the next day. Keep spending each and every day living on the edge, just for the adrenaline rush so I can actually feel something even if it is just for a few seconds. Praying for the days to come sooner that will remind me why I stay alive.
If you are suicidal please seek help before taking any action that you cannot take back. Call 800-273-8255 or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Your friends and family would rather hear how you’re feeling instead of never hearing from you again. This isn’t where your story ends, it’s just the beginning.