I Finally Did What You Never Thought I Could Do: I Left

Trigger warning: Domestic violence

Two months later, I still feel the sting of anger come across my face almost as fast as your hand did that night. The night I finally mustered up the courage to stand up to you. The night I stood in front of the door and begged you to not treat me this way. The night I cried on the bathroom floor until 4 a.m., wondering what I did wrong. The night I wished I would have kept all the worries to myself. The night I wished I would have protected myself. I spent months making myself smaller so that you could feel taller.  I wanted you to love yourself so bad that I started to hate myself to be able to identify with you. I let the hateful words, the ultimatums, the anger, the evil smirks and the lies suck me in and have a death grip around my heart. You had me in the palm of your hand. Right where you wanted me. All yours. Isolated and hurting.

That night, I did what you thought I could never do. I left.

I ran so far that you couldn’t have a grip on me anymore. I ran and never looked back because if I did for even a second, I would fall for your evil smirk again. The manipulation and lies were too good and too thought out.  I did not understand why I felt like a fish out of water just flopping on the bank, hoping the fisherman would throw me back in. I didn’t understand why my anxiety medication was not working. I didn’t understand why I felt more depressed as the days went on. I didn’t understand why I felt like a tea kettle that couldn’t stop screaming on the inside. I didn’t understand, but I do now and it was you. I couldn’t stay because if I did, I would lose myself. I loved myself before I met you. You took that away from me, blaming me for not wanting to proceed with you. Telling me that another man could never love someone like me.

You broke me down until I had nothing left.

I believed all the broken truths and the empty apologies. I believed them all and believed it would get better if I just obeyed you and prayed for better days. I was just a girl that needed guidance, you would say. But I am not a girl, I am a woman who is fearless, intelligent, brave and courageous. I chose myself; I broke free of the hold you had over me. You don’t have the power to hurt me anymore and for that I am strong.