I Hope You Call Me Today, Only To Find Out That I Will No Longer Answer

A week ago, the thought of you may have been very different from the feelings I have right now. As I sit here, staring at the first fall of snow on a quiet Sunday morning and sipping my coffee, wearing that same shirt I wore last week while thinking about how I showed up at your door in hopes that by seeing me one more time you would change your mind. I had hope that you would see what you were missing. But today is not last week, and today I am no longer the same person that I was yesterday or the day before. Today is not that bright sunny Sunday that I showed up with my heart in my hands one last time, offering to give it to you.

I am no longer a prisoner of “our” past and a believer in a false reality of you and I. The you and I which you hooked me into and then threw away countless times, again and again. Today I dressed up for me and not for you.

Today I choose to gather those moments I had of “us” and put them away. I am choosing to go my own way and come back to myself, to who I am and who I always have been. Within me opening my heart to you and you choosing not to take care of it, I have been forced to come back to myself and to a place that I had been missing for so long because you subliminally ripped it away. I truly thank God you didn’t answer your door last Sunday when I drove up to see you in hopes of showing you how much I could be for you, even on the days you least expected it. Even if it would have been just for a short little while, where we could have been temporarily happy together. But would that have been real, would that have benefited “us”? No, because you would still constantly confuse your feelings for me with your own selfish wants and needs. By you saying “we” need to do what’s best for “us” gave me hope and false beliefs that “us” was a thing , and that if I let “us” be apart for just a little bit longer, then maybe you would change your mind and choose me.

I struggled through letting go of you for so long because I wished and hoped that the person I thought I knew was you. I was so wrapped up in a false reality of what I thought you were and what “we” were, but our “us” was never anything except a mere hope and glimpse of something shiny and pretty, when in reality it was twisted and false.

I went back and forth for so long and took your 3 a.m. phone calls and listened to you in your time of loneliness because I thought I was doing you a favor, “us” a favor. But I know now that I was only bringing myself lower and deeply immersed into a vision of this beautiful snow globe fairytale that never really was.

As I sit and reflect, I realize that all you ever wanted to do was change me and tell me who to be and how I was to feel. You took my feelings from me and turned them into your own. Yet I will never be anyone other than myself. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for feeling like I let myself down by allowing you to attempt to write the script of my own life for those few short months. But I do not regret driving to see you last weekend, because within that rejection for the final time, I found a way to release myself from the past and know that you are not and never what was meant to be mine.

So today, I choose me. I have chosen to dress up for me, I have chosen to sit pretty in the window of my favorite coffee shop writing this for me, not for you, but as a reminder that I can wake up alone and be okay. I can jump out of bed in the morning not wishing you were there beside me but instead enjoy watching the snowfall cover the streets without your arms wrapped around me. I choose to decide how to spend my Sunday without you and become wrapped up in my feelings, which had been so distant for so long because you stole them from me like the Grinch on Christmas Eve.

I will press my lips onto my warm cup of coffee instead of your distant lips and glare out into the shimmering world unlike your lifeless eyes. I will push myself further and immerse myself in my passions and continue to grow in creativity because you never encouraged me–you only broke me and let me to believe that I was no longer good anymore, no longer good for you and no longer good for this world which I used to feel that I shined so brightly in.

So, I hope when you wake on this cold Sunday morning you call me, only to find out that I will no longer answer. From your lack of compassion and caring, I remembered who I was and how I liked standing alone before you came along. How I like my flaws, my early morning coffee, my creative mind, my passions, my hobbies, my me. My me that you exhausted out of me for so many dreadful months. With that, I thank you for letting my big heart go, because I know one day there will be someone out there to match it and that was never you. I will go my own way, and I hope you go yours.