I want the evening out where the rest of the restaurant could disappear and we wouldn’t notice.
I want the morning where they turn over in bed and can’t help but smile, because the contentment of us lying there together is overwhelming.
I want the moment where I walk into the coffee shop we decided to meet at and my heart tightens and my stomach clenches because even now, after how long we’ve been together, the sight of them still thrills me.
I want the silence during the car ride because we are so comfortable we don’t always have to speak.
I want the arms that hold me tight when I’m grieving, truly grieving, and the trust that I would do the same for them.
I want the simple Sunday morning breakfasts, the trips to Trader Joe’s, the tiny favors we do for each other. I want the ‘thinking about you’ text messages, the ‘I saw this and thought of you’ photos, the ‘I got you this’ just because.
I want the warmth that spreads to your fingertips just by thinking about them. I want the tears they bring to my eyes to be from joy, not longing or sorrow.
I was told that I wouldn’t know, couldn’t know, what I wanted because of my romantic history (or lack thereof). And sure, as someone who hasn’t been in more than one long-term relationship, there are things that I’ve missed, things I couldn’t possibly know. But when I sit and think about it, when I remember the moments I enjoyed so much, there are many things I know that I want.
I don’t want to go “get more notches under my belt.” If I do because that’s where life takes me, that’s fine. But I don’t need to explore so much. I know I want simple love, and someone to push me forward as much as I push them. I want someone who wants to chase change as much as I do. I want to live again in those moments where I knew someone truly thought I hung the moon as much as I thought they did.
I want the mutual independence and admiration that healthy relationships interweave so effortlessly. I want laughter and freedom and conversations at dinner that get a bit too loud. I want to scream the lyrics of every bad song we know in perfect harmony. I want late night sushi dates and early sunrise walks and little tiny things that people do together that make this life truly worth it, truly magnanimous.
I want someone who recognizes that I know what I want. I want someone who can see that now.
I want all of this with you, if that’s what you want.