Standing in the middle of the parking lot, smiling as I’m wondering how a first date could have gone so well. I look into his eyes, but all I see is the past relationships that have used me and bruised me. The relationships that were full of deceit, lies, and hurtful words. The relationships that left me sobbing on the bathroom floor, bleeding and calling for help. I see my life flash before my eyes as I stare into his eyes, so I instantly look away, ashamed. I am ashamed that I allowed people to break me down so much that when I look into a totally innocent man’s eyes, I see my own brokenness staring back at me.
“He is innocent,” I tell myself.
However, I have allowed all this hurt to build a wall surrounding my heart that is so high that even Jack and the Beanstalk can’t climb over it. I have created a fortress so thick that I have purposefully pushed away joyful and new opportunities in order to protect myself from the “what ifs”.
Fuck the “what if’s”.
I desperately want to find love and happiness. I hate that I have allowed people to rip that away from me every time I try to get close to someone.
As I look back into his eyes, I feel like he is reading my soul. He has caught onto my hurt and he senses the hesitation in my breath. I tell myself, “I won’t allow fear to ruin this, not this time.” I lean in for a hug and immediately his arms feel like home and his touch is electric. I take a deep breath and allow myself to take in the moment where I let my guard down for one second, and it feels good, almost refreshing.
I cannot let the fear of my past get in the way of the love I deserve to have. I cannot let fear and pain win; it doesn’t deserve to win, because it has already won for years. I deserve to be loved and wanted and cherished. I deserve to be in control of the future and not allow my walls or fears to take control from me.
The moment I walk away from his touch, I whisper to myself, “I deserve this.”