Nichole Sebastian

If I’m Too Much, Then Go Find Less

Relationships, friendships, situationships, etc. They all either add to who we are or they diminish who we are. We find these people and put them in our lives to hopefully add value and love and help us learn a little bit more about ourselves, but sometimes we’re left feeling exactly that: left.

You made me feel special at the most perfect time.

You hit me like a hurricane. You put time in. You texted me regularly. You genuinely wanted to know who I was and what I enjoyed. You invited me for beers and you kissed me goodnight. You saved me from a drunken night with a drunken male that I didn’t even know. You couldn’t have come at a more perfect time in my life. I was broken and lost. My eight-year relationship had just ended and that previous man took everything from me, including my self worth. I was the worse version of myself and needed fulfillment from someone else while I was figuring out who I was. You gave that to me. You made me feel special. You made me feel seen. You made it seem like you accepted me for exactly what I was: a hot damn mess.

I wasn’t enough.

You made me feel like you accepted the rawness and mess that I truly was, but you didn’t. You kept me around when it was convenient for you. I heard stories of the other girls. I even believed most of them, but something about it kept me holding on. I realized that I loved you. I loved you in all of the toxicity that we were without even realizing it. I walked away from a man that I had given eight years of my life too and molded into the man that he became. I never thought you would be my next challenge. I ended it the first time. I caught you. I caught you with another girl that you claimed was just a friend. I walked away and didn’t look back. I began dating someone you knew and I never imagined how great it would feel to see the sting on your face when I kissed him in front of you. I didn’t date this man solely to hurt you, that was just an added bonus.

In the end, I ended up back in your bed and in your arms. I ended up with your lips on my body and your hands wrapped around me. I ended up exactly where I wanted to be all along. But yet again, I wasn’t enough for you. Even after proving that someone else would want me and that it would hurt you, you still hadn’t learned your lesson. I caught you time and time again. Lie after lie.

Do you know what it’s like not to feel worthy? Do you know what it’s like to feel thrown away like a piece of trash? Do you know what it’s like to be lied to time and time again year after year?

I gave you a piece of your own medicine.

“Take your shit somewhere else” were your exact words to me. And that I did. I began sleeping with a friend of ours. If you could do it, why couldn’t I? Little did you know how bad this was actually going to hurt. Little did you know that you would finally experience an ounce of what you were constantly putting me through. Little did you know that my self-worth and self-confidence was so depleted that I didn’t care about a thing. You did that to me.

Three years later…

Three years later and we were still in this on-again-off-again stage. You knew how I felt. I was ready to be all in, but you never were. You didn’t see a future with me. But you never explained why. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hear that from the person that you love? What’s it like to hear those words from the person that you would literally move mountains for? What’s it like to hear that from someone that you jumped for every time there was a slight inconvenience in their life? Of course, you can’t imagine it. It’s earth shattering. You began dating someone and literally used the term “GIRLFRIEND.” Meanwhile, what was I? I was good for one thing and one thing only, clearly.

That hit me hard. That hurt me in unimaginable ways. That caused me to yet again question everything about myself. From my looks, to my weight, to my career choice, to my personality, etc. I began wondering if I was the problem.

And then it clicked.

I wasn’t the problem. You didn’t see a future with me because my light was too bright. You didn’t want to stand in my shadow because face it, that’s a pretty big shadow. You couldn’t actually be with someone that would hold you to a standard. When we were just having sex, it was fine. You weren’t held to a standard. But when I began loving you for every bit of who you were, I also began expecting more from you in every sense of the word. I expected you to work. I expected you to take care of your kids. I expected you to be able to provide for yourself. I expected you to respect me. There were expectations that you simply could not and would not ever meet.

You constantly complain about your situation and where you are in life, but in all reality, you’re exactly where you want to be. If you wanted to change, then you would. You clearly don’t. So, it wasn’t me that was the problem, it was that you would never be able to live up to the potential that I had of you in my head.

So, for all of the ladies that have been screwed over and had their hearts broken and stomped all over, you’re not the problem. You’re not to blame for them cheating. You’re not to blame for them not getting their shit together. You’re not to blame for refusing to dim your bright light.

Honestly, if I’m too much, then go find less.