If They Wanted To Be With You, They Wouldn’t Make It So Damn Hard

Sometimes all we need is common sense and a brutal reminder.

We all like to believe that our crush secretly wants us. Despite what all the evidence says, we generally choose to put our faith in the outcome we want rather than the one that is most probable.

Who can blame us?

When we are deeply attracted to someone, our body is frequently flooded with Dopamine and thus exposed to euphoric highs similar to that of a hard drug. In many ways, falling for someone is an addiction. The thrill of the chase is amongst the most intoxicating experiences out there. Few things in life can replicate the incredible roller coaster of emotions, especially the violent swing from a deep low to an ecstatic high. The simplest of texts and the tiniest indication of reciprocated feeling can cause a chemical cascade that drives us wild,

Unfortunately, far too many of us become fixated on people who do not feel the same way about us. In all the chaos of tingling sensations and passion, we often lose touch with our common sense. Rather than look at our situation objectively, we begin to see only what we want to see. We look through rose-tinted glasses and ignore one fundamental truth:

People who want you don’t make it difficult.

And instead of having the courage to accept that not everything is meant to be, we continue to spend months and sometimes years pining for someone whilst missing out on all that life has to offer us.

I want you to consider something for a moment. Remember the last time you were genuinely attracted to someone.

How long did you play hard to get for?

Did you make things difficult for that person?

Did you need convincing to take things to the next level?

When we genuinely like another person, we don’t put obstacles in the way of being with them. Sure, there may be a period of hard to get, but it’s unlikely that lasts longer than a few weeks. When we want someone, we fear losing them — we don’t risk throwing it all away because of stupid games.

Sadly, most of us forget this simple idea when we are engrossed in the chase. In fact, more mixed signals often increase attraction and investment! Rather than consider that the person may not be that into us, we embark on an analytical journey deciphering every tiny interaction and reading into every behavior. This only deepens our attachment further as we obsess over details leading us to think about that person constantly. We then back-rationalize our behavior due to deep feelings when in some cases, it is merely a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what’s the take-home message?

People who want you don’t make it difficult!

It’s time to stop hopelessly chasing a crush hoping something will change and that person will magically have a change of heart. In reality, all that needs to change is your attitude, and subsequently, your patterns of pedestalizing other people.

Here’s a checklist of things to be watchful for:

– Are you spending hours googling signs of attraction?

– Are you rereading text conversations looking for hints they might like you?

– Are you checking that person’s horoscope or indulging in tarot?

– Are you trying to convince the person of how compatible you are or how you are attractive?

– Are you waiting for them to decide if they want you or hoping they realize their feelings? (which they may not have)

– Do you drop everything to be available for that person whereas they don’t do the same?

– Are your friends bored of hearing you discuss all the nuances of your interactions with this person?

– Have you become a body language “expert”?

– Have you given up hope on dating outside this person?

– Are you trying to be someone you’re not to try and attract this person? (e.g. telling white lies, pretending to be interested in things you’re not, dressing up, etc.)

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a good starting point. These are all signs that you are wasting your time chasing someone who isn’t interested in you. That’s time you can never get back and could have spent developing yourself or finding love based on mutual attraction, not a constant sales pitch.

Now even if you don’t want to listen to me, let me tell you another secret that people neglect to embrace:

Whether you want to win them over or move on — the actions needed are the same.

That might seem counterintuitive and difficult to grasp, but it’s simply the truth.

When a person knows they have you, they lose interest. If you’re doing any of those things in the list above, you’re chasing, making it obvious how attached you are. This behavior removes uncertainty — one of the critical elements in attraction. Being unsure of how someone feels is one of the biggest drivers of Dopamine — the feel-good hormone. We get the thrill of the chase from not being certain if a person wants us — we may have a gut feel, but it’s not enough to be sure. Telegraphing your feelings through needy behavior makes it obvious and removes all the anticipation needed to experience the roller-coaster of emotions they want from dating. All of us like to think we worked for what we have. Think about a time when you knew someone had a crush on you. You may be flattered, but it’s often an anti-climax that leads you onto something with more mystery.

Coming back to what this means for you, it’s simple. When you are willing to walk away, you reduce certainty and demonstrate self-worth. You become instantly more attractive as the person knows that you won’t wait around as a supply of free validation and now fears losing what you offer. The best thing about this is it’s all within your control. Even if you’ve been stuck for years or running in circles, you have the power to change your life right now. All you have to do is identify your patterns of pedestalization and start smashing them one by one. Think of it as interrupting a program that has been running in your mind on repeat. Instead of allowing that loop to continue, you escape the maze and allow yourself a chance to find something new. 

Ultimately, you need to be the master of your own kingdom. You can be the king or queen the second you decide to take responsibility for your behavior in relationships and what you tolerate from others. Naturally, this is a process, but I hope even by reading this short rant, you will start to understand the need to take ownership of your life.

For now, let me summarize these thoughts for you:

– People who want you don’t make it difficult.

– If you find yourself chasing or obsessing over another person, that’s doing nothing but increasing your investment in them.

– Whether you want to move on or attract them — the actions needed are the same.

– The way to do this is willing to walk away and break your current patterns.

– Above all, be willing to walk away when someone doesn’t want you — know your worth, be proud of what you have to offer, and back yourself to find the love you deserve (not pleaded for).

If you can take on these points, you will never find yourself aimlessly chasing others or giving away so much power to a crush. But as I tell my clients — no one will do this for you. Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same. The question is, do you want to change, or do you secretly enjoy being where you are?

Make it happen.