I’m Finally Ready For A Healthy Love

I should’ve known better. I dismissed the red flags, the gaslighting, and the emotional abuse. I just looked at you and saw the bright, shining sun. You were the starry sky on a red dirt road guiding me home. You were everything to me. I chose not to see all of the narcissistic patterns; I turned a blind eye to all of it. I ignored the toxicity of your family and the cycles you chose to be a part of. You dismissed me when I spoke to you about going to couples therapy, so I went alone. You didn’t think I needed antidepressants; you said I was so strong that I could get through it all without medication. I should have known better.

I know better now. Our story had an expiration date from the very start; we didn’t stand a chance. Baby, we were loving on borrowed time. But now I know what I deserve, and I won’t settle for less than ever again. I have spent years dismantling falsehoods about myself and emotional damage you left in your wake. I’m becoming a force of nature once again; it turns out you didn’t steal my spark. It may have taken me a long road to get to where I am today, but I’m here.

Every panic attack I had with your name on my lips, every curse word I uttered when I spoke about your transgressions, every tear I shed when I believed I wasn’t enough for you, that you had damaged me to the point where I would never be enough for any man, they brought me to where I am today. I have fought with bloodied knuckles and a swollen, bruised heart to get here. I came back for round three, round four—the ultimate cage fight—and I’ve won by unanimous decision. I will never accept half-love, half the effort, and emotional abuse from a partner ever again. My heart is regenerating; it is being cleansed of you and the space you have taken up for far too long. I am ready to allow love back into my life again, but this time it will be so different. It will be healthy love—compassionate and secure. I will never have to guess, because there will be open communication and emotional maturity. The work I’ve done, and continue to do on myself has been gritty and messy but so worth the fight, and anyone who enters my life now will just add to the beautiful space I am already creating for myself. I am not damaged; I’m not broken and weak. I’m quite the opposite actually—I’ve never felt stronger. But strength looks different for me now; it’s the kind of gentle, poised, and powerful strength that I didn’t even know I could attain. This strength comes from deep healing and inner work, emotional maturity and growth. I love who I’m becoming now, without the weight of your absence choking me and leaving me breathless. I love this me I’m becoming—a lot.