While riding in cars at night, I’ve been mistaking the silhouettes of trash cans on the side of the road for people ever since I was a little girl. You were no exception. At first, I couldn’t decide if you contained nothing but waste or if you were a vessel worthy of a heartbeat. I’m thankful I stopped for long enough to truly see and listen, only to discover an entire book of poetry in your pulse. I’m thankful I got to be the one who held the pen, birthing verses of words that, even when strung together with ink and all of my best efforts, didn’t even come close to capturing the essence of magic contained within you.
Now you have been gone for longer than you were here, and I’m still not sure if your presence or your absence has done more damage. In comparison to who I was before I met you, I don’t know if I’m better for having known you or worse for having lost you. All I know is that you are an anomaly that has split my life into a before and an after. That kind of thing only happens in the aftermath of miracles and tragedies. I’m still not sure which one to call you.
All I can tell you is that I’ve been planting seeds in the cracks that you created, in the foundation of who I thought I was before I met you, and beautiful things have been growing ever since. The breathtaking truth of it all is that you breaking me may have been the very thing that saved me. Wild things bloomed in your shadow as you were standing beside me, and they continue to flourish in the sunlight that could only ever reach me in your absence. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to harvest evidence of my own potential, even if it was unintentionally granted to me through you.
So, this is me thanking you for stopping by, but also thanking you for not staying. Thank you for not making a home out of me. Just know that the porch light will always be on, waiting to guide you out of your own darkness. The locks will remain unchanged if you ever choose to stop by and visit all that never would have existed had it not been for our initial encounter or your commitment to your own cowardice and record of running away.
Thank you for being a small blip on my timeline in which entire Universes were born. Don’t ever underestimate the influence you have on people, especially the one that you had on me. You are a tragic miracle, and now my knees are stained with prayers that someday, you’ll find what you need. I have finally healed enough to thank God that it was never supposed to be me.