I’m Trying To Find Beauty In Each Breakdown

How can you let happiness in if you can’t even let self-love begin?

I hear this question echoing for the -nth time like a broken record. The all-knowing self-proclaimed gurus who have no idea how to recuperate from unexpected emotional meltdowns suddenly have a say on how you must put your act together.

Well, it all began when I woke up not knowing what time of day it was, what must be done first, or how to exist at the very least. There’s a voice telling me I definitely don’t want to die, yet my mind tells me clearly that I do not intend to live, either.  

So, which crossroad exactly am I now? 

It seemed not so long ago when I insisted on being allowed to do sleepovers, wear makeup, and officially date. Then, out of nowhere, life has its own way of showing you how fast time flies. The feeling I got when every relative pressured me to find a boyfriend, turn him into a fiance, and become part of my happily-ever-after fairy-tale kind of romance only little girls dream of.

At some point, here’s still an unresolved question.

What happened to my youth?

Where did all those years go? 

The truth of the matter is I am trying. 

Trying to face the fear of getting old.

Trying not to get so envious of the seemingly perfect life of couples on social media.

I am trying not to be too anxious when things don’t go my way. I am trying to adjust my sail when the wind tries to knock me off. It’s just not good enough for me to say that I am healed.

I am slowly trying to find beauty in each breakdown. 

Every trial we face is not meant to tear us down, although it may seem like it.

Unfavorable situations can lead to amazing experiences. I weep at night, but my vision becomes clearer the next day once I am done pouring my heart out.

I am slowly trying to find beauty in each breakdown. I know deep in my heart that it is not an easy thing to do but my heart says it is doable.

 In each breakdown, writing makes me see the silver lining of every scar my heart can’t hold.

There is beauty in each breakdown once you allow yourself to heal and let love begin.