It’s Been A Month Since We Ended And I’m Finally Releaning How To Be Me Without You

It’s been over a month since we ended—almost two months now, actually.

I no longer spend every waking minute crying over you or wondering what you’re up to. I’m getting used to not waking up to your daily ‘Good Morning’ texts and no longer being able to call you to hear about your day.

I’m reminded every day just how lucky I am to have the most wonderful friends and family that are helping to fill the void you left behind.

I can finally see a future I’m excited about for myself again.

I’m relearning how to be me without you.

But some days there’s still nothing I want more than to hear you tell me you love me again, and to be back in your arms knowing I’m safe. Whenever something exciting or terrible happens, it’s like my brain still instinctively wants to immediately talk to you.

I got Raising Cane’s after a really long time last week. I had to go through the drive-thru because all I kept seeing in my head was the image of us sitting at the table by the door on our first date.

I can’t seem to make my heart not skip a beat every time I see a black truck parked near my apartment. A small part of me keeps expecting to see you getting out to give me one of your hugs that never end and a kiss on the forehead.

I’m sure you remember how much I love my apartment and never wanted to leave. But we’re moving next month, and I’m actually really glad. There are still remnants of you everywhere I look.

Our first kiss next to my bedroom door.

The pumpkins we carved while watching Hocus Pocus in my living room.

The ice cream cake we cut in my kitchen for your 25th birthday.

The game night we had with my sister.

The couch I was sitting on the first time you said you think you love me.

But then I remind myself of the blank look you gave me when I showed up to your house sobbing, confused and devastated after we broke up. How you told me you didn’t want to get my hopes up, but maybe someday in the future we could be together again. How you never wanted to hurt me and will always love me.

And that’s what brings me back to the present. Because all the incredible memories and all the love in the world can’t make them choose you.

And I know I deserve a partner that’s as sure of me as I am of him.

A partner that understands we’ll have rough seasons and wants to grow through them together.

A partner invested in showing me love how I best receive it, and would never make me beg for the bare minimum.

A partner that knows that loving someone is an intentional choice you make every single day.

But even knowing all of this, I can’t pretend there isn’t a tiny part of me that still wishes you’ll wake up tomorrow realizing you made the biggest mistake of your life and that you still want me to be your forever.

The last time I saw you, I told you I didn’t know how I was ever supposed to get over you and move on. You were my best friend, my safe space, my rock. I really thought we would be engaged by the end of this year. I’m the most indecisive person on the planet, but somehow, you I was sure about.

But I’m learning to do the impossible.

I’m learning how to show myself the love I so desperately craved from you.

I’m learning how to create my own happiness again without you.

I’m learning how to be alone again.

I’m learning how to heal and trust myself again.

I’m learning how to appreciate that you were only meant for this season of my life.

I’m learning how to forgive (but not forget) you for breaking my heart, because I deserve to heal.

And most bittersweet of all, I’m learning how to start moving on and no longer be in love with you.

You were my first love, and I will never for even a second have any regrets about that. You are an incredible human being that I fell in love with for a reason. While the door may have permanently closed on us, I hope you know that I will always have love for you. You deserve to have a wonderful life, and I hope it’s one filled with so much joy and laughter and love.

It’s been over a month since we ended—almost two months now, actually.

I still miss you sometimes, but I’m starting to be okay again.