I have always been someone who has been intimately aware of our limited time. Ever since I was a little kid, the days always felt too short, the nights never seemed to last long enough, and I couldn’t help but have this nagging feeling that my chance to do things right and To The Fullest™️ was quickly and permanently gaining its lead on me, forever out of my reach, damning me to a mediocre life without meaning.
Dramatic? Absolutely, but the fear persisted nonetheless and has followed me into adult life. I constantly feel as though I’m playing catch-up, trying to “make up” for lost time, mistakes, and regrets. Not only am I going through the motions but barreling through them, desperately clawing my way trying to obtain job titles, financial stability, and material goals. Sometimes, living feels more like running. And I’m only now trying to catch my breath.
One of the biggest things I have always felt I was missing out on was love. A relationship. A chest to lay my head on after a particularly grueling day of this whole human being thing. Someone to laugh with, to support. My person, I guess you could say.
I’ve tried dating apps. I’ve shot my shot with men I’ve met in person prior and liked. But it’s all never worked out in my favor. Love always seems to slip through my fingers, no matter how close I seemingly get.
And yet I still hold out hope.
I’m 30 now, and while society tells me I should be married, engaged, or at least in love, I am none of those things. And I’m starting to become okay with that. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with the thought that this might be how it is for a little while longer. Or a lot longer. Who knows!
The reason why is that I’d rather be alone than settle with the wrong person. I’d rather be single and work on myself than give in to a mentality that places relationships as a goal above all.
The truth of the matter is you’ll know when it’s right and you can tell when it’s forced. Listen to your instincts, and don’t ignore your mind or your heart. These entities will near steer you wrong if you truly listen. It’s the noise of others that usually will lead you astray.
The truth is I’ve lived so many lives and been so many different people. I’ve loved, lost, and gained. I’ve learned lessons the hard way and have been pleasantly surprised more times than I can count. I have a feeling that love will be one of those beautiful things that will sneak up on me, too. I will welcome it.
And until love arrives, I’ll grow alone. I will plant my roots here, in my own veins, and learn to call myself home. I will bloom. Flourish even. I will become someone who knows she is worthy of love, belonging, and care. I will settle for nothing less. I will not be afraid of my own shadow, I will instead learn to walk with it. I will hold everything I am without shame, without fear.
But most importantly, I will understand that everyone I never got was on purpose. They were not meant for me. Those dates I went on and enjoyed were maybe just for that night. Those embraces were only meant for that moment. Some people only enter our atmosphere as lessons. Or perhaps they show us a song that will long after be one of our favorite tunes. Or a book that becomes the cornerstone of our own life philosophy. Maybe a movie that shakes us to our core. And in a way, that’s kind of beautiful, don’t you agree?
So, yes, love is taking longer to find me. And for the first time in forever, I am more than okay with that.