My Life Doesn’t Look The Way I Thought It Would In My 30s, But I’m Proud Of Where I Am

On the eve of my birthday, I am sitting down to reflect. Now, usually when I ‘reflect’ it means I criticize and chastise myself, and it’s kinda funny, but I realize that sometimes a girl has gotta be serious, so here goes…

Between you and me, when I was younger (like waaaay younger), I didn’t think my ‘aged 30-something’ life would look the way it does today. I imagined I would be living the life that most people my age are living: ‘healthy,’ married, and settled. I am none of these things, but I am a variation of all of those things.

I am spiritually very healthy. And I don’t mean this in a pompous ‘I am better than you’ way, or a ‘I’m going to heaven and you’re not’ way. I mean I know what I believe in. And most importantly, I know why I believe what I believe. And because I have this self-realization, I am quite comfortable with people questioning and criticizing my beliefs. I no longer feel the need to defend or attack when someone doesn’t see value in my values or sense in my personal truths. I am healthy because I am finally okay with people not understanding me. It’s liberating, and I will admit, right now it’s making me feel a little smug because I know not everyone my age has achieved this level of ‘you do you and I’ll do me’—but they will. With time, through experience and as a result of change, this type of health is readily available to all who seek it (and it doesn’t require leaving your cozy, warm house to meet the demands of the gym, it just requires solitude and shadow work to get the job done. Okay, I guess the gym sounds better?). My point is, I know me, and because I know me, you can’t tell me about me. And even if you do, I’ll smile, nod, and carry on with my day.

I am married to my own self-development. Okay, not ‘married’ in the traditional sense, but I am committed to this cause—very much so. So much so that my talk of nervous system regulation, therapy, and love languages is the focus of many a friendly joke that my loved ones make about me. To me, that’s proof that I am dedicated to working plus reworking myself, and people in my circle know it. I am authentic and it’s known. I might live in the same place, I might work at the same place, I might do the same things, but I am definitely not the same person. I am rising, transcending; I am blooming. I have ‘me.’ Everyday I am working on ‘getting over myself.’ The relationship I have with myself will never end in betrayal, separation, or divorce. I am in it for the long haul. And it’s ’till death do us part.

And I am settled in the truth that everything is the way it should be, the way it has to be. I am settled in what has come and what has gone, I have settled into myself and I have nestled further into the world, my world. I am settled in the lessons that I have learnt, I am settling into the person that I am, but most importantly, I am finally settling with the fact that I deserve goodness and godliness too. I’m going for it. With grace, I am on my way.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that there will be many moments on a Monday evening or a Friday afternoon where (quite rudely and randomly) it dawns on you: ‘shit, it wasn’t meant to be like this.” But fear not, friend! It is like this. And that’s okay, because what that also means is that you have been brave, strong, resilient, patient, kind, loving, graceful, and serene through it all. And that is something to cherish. Don’t kick yourself for everything that you aren’t and for anything that isn’t; honor yourself for all that you have made it through (especially those things that you don’t ever speak to anyone about) and love yourself for who you are right now.

I am proud of you. And I love you, friend.

Happy Birthday Eve!