My Perfectionism Was Ruining My Life (But I Won’t Let It Anymore)

Yes, I can dream. Yes, I can work hard. 

But even when putting in all the hard work to accomplish my dream, I still lack in all fronts.

This is what I am feeling, the feeling of emptiness and struggle to get things done. 

You ask, Do I have a plan? 

Yes I do.

Do I have the task split out into multiple checkpoints? 

Yes, I do. 

But what is it that I lack?

It’s consistency, perseverance, and desire to see things to the end.

Well, I like to consider myself unique, different from everyone. I am a perfectionist, a good thing, you say. But let me elaborate on that. I like to see things to end and perform exceptionally well. And add to that the desire or need to see things end the way I picture it, and if it’s a tad bit different than I imagined, then I scrap the idea and start all over again. It’s a pretty awesome thing unless you have tried to start a task. You might end up scrapping many ideas until you finally pick one.

And of that one task I picked, it still gets added to a procrastination list. The list itself isn’t called a procrastination list or a reluctant to-do list, it is a well-defined, well-made list that consists of all the tasks that I think I am not ready to perform. If a passerby were to see the task on that list and examine the skills I have, then he would confidently say that I will do exceptionally well, even if I were to start it right now. So now, I realize I lack trust in my abilities, a home for reasonable self-doubt. And in a perfect world, I would be fighting the demons I created, but I am stuck here where I add tasks to a list.

So, in a world where things are easy to get, learn, and perform, I still am crippled by my anxiety, my desire to excel and make/end it perfectly. Then add the self-doubt and anxiety I have developed over the years and it’s a perfect concoction to delay tasks and rummage through my mind for a solution.

Do you know what will happen to these words that I wrote on this page?

This will stay in my laptop or the shared drive, because no matter how much I refine and make it better, it will still lack the nuances I want to deliver and the ideas I want to share.

Because perfect writing isn’t something I can do—my self-doubt has chanted the mantra for ages and my mind now believes it and nitpicks on every little detail I miss or every word I typed wrong. Even earlier, while writing that sentence, I typed in “know” instead of “now”, which I instantly corrected but regretted that my self-doubt figured it out and now is currently holding a debate as to if I should continue more.

I am scared as I write this down, but I have figured out a solution. Well, shush, don’t let my anxiety and self-doubt figure it out. They don’t know it yet, but nowadays they are timed; they only get to come out in the intentional window I have set for them. And yes, I try to let them only enjoy my company, but there are days when they do seek or surprise me when I am with others. The secret is actually to set them free, and I tend to write down all that I have felt. They like to be remembered or reminded of the impact they made on the day. So, I have started creating or sharing the sordid details of their affair in a note, where the next time it’s their day out, they get to rummage through the details and relive their memories or instances where they succeeded.

In the meantime, when they are busy, I get to do as I wish. I get to grow, explore, and check things off the list. I get to live a little!