25 People Share The Subtle Relationship “Red Flags” That Are Often Overlooked

1. Feeling The Opposite of Love

When you start to hate the person you are when you’re with them.


2. When Ultimatums Begin

Using ultimatums to get their way instead of compromising.


3. Friends and Family Aren’t Fans

If all of your friends, or your trusted family members, hate your boyfriend/girlfriend. Often, they can see things about your SO that you can’t.


4. Ex Complaints

In the beginning stages – when they complain about their ex. It isn’t easy to build a new relationship on the ashes of an old one.


5. Zero Accountability

When they never apologize or takes responsibility for bad behavior.


6. It’s All Your Fault

When somehow all their bad behavior is because of something YOU did.

“Well, I wouldn’t have forgotten to do X if YOU had reminded me! I wouldn’t have had to kick the dog if YOU had trained it better! I wouldn’t have messed up X if YOU had been more clear in your instructions!”

Yes, yes, nothing is ever your fault, I get it, I’m terrible for making you do these things. Get lost.


7. Believe The Warning

If the guys says “you don’t really want to date me – I’m an asshole”, believe him.


8. Their Friends Are Off Limits

When they don’t want you to be friends with their friends.


9. Keeping Score

Maybe this is too broad but a therapist one time told me that the moment you start keeping a running tally in your head of all the ways your SO has wronged you, the relationship is doomed.


10. Separate Things, Same Room

Both of you must be comfortable doing separate things in the same room. If one of you isn’t, its a red flag.


11. Phone Habits

If you text your SO and never really respond in a reasonable time, but when they are with you, they are CONSTANTLY on their phone. That’s a serious red flag.


12. Don’t Get Used To That Pedestal

Putting you on a pedestal. It may seem nice at first, but it means they’re not seeing your full person-hood — rather they are seeing a fictional and idealized version of you. It is unintentionally dehumanizing. Plus the only place to go is down.


13. Checking Out Mentally

The mental check-out.

She always gets on your case for putting dishes in the sink. After a “rough patch”, she no longer gives a fuck about the dishes, probably because she’s resigned to the fact that she’s going to leave and doesn’t care about your relationship any more.

edit Since my inbox exploded, I’ll clarify. The check-out doesn’t happen after a normal working fight. It happens after an extended duration of fights that don’t resolve.

After being with someone long enough, there’s always something that you two can’t agree upon. And it’s always there. Be it dishes, putting away groceries, drinking milk from the carton, missing the hamper with dirty laundry – whatever. It’s unique to every couple, but it never really causes issues. Until one person has it with the relationship for deeper seeded reasons. Then, all the sudden, this one insignificant nag is no longer talked about. Let’s say the hamper. She no longer looks at the clothes on the ground and huffs at you. She simply walks over them and pretends they aren’t there. She’s mentally resigned. That hamper was a symbol of the work you put into maintaining the relationship, and it just lost all its meaning, because in her eyes, so did your bond.


14. Not Liking Their Friends

One of the red flags I totally ignored in a past relationship is that I didn’t really like any of her friends. If you don’t like the people your SO chooses to hang out with, you probably should reevaluate things.


15. Secret Relationship

Any time the relationship needs to be kept secret, there is a problem in there somewhere. I’ve fallen for it twice and learned my lesson!


16. You Don’t Need Anyone But Me

If s/he seems displeased any time you go hang out with your friends rather than spending time with him/her, it could be a sign of bigger issues down the road. I’ve seen many relationships deteriorate quickly, to the point where the significant other eventually unfriended nearly all their boyfriend’s contacts on Facebook, saying “You’ve got me, so you have no reason to need anybody else.” Obviously it doesn’t get this far on the first date, but it’s a very slippery slope, so watch out for warning signs.


17. No Compromise In Differences

I’d say it’s a bad sign if the person treats a difference in your relationship preferences as a wrong/right situation, rather than as a difference in preference.

For example, if you want to see your significant other every single day but they don’t feel the same, that doesn’t make you “clingy,” it means you need to either compromise or consider that you just might not be compatible.

It makes me really sad to see people get convinced they are wrong when they just have a preference. And I think those who try to convince others that their preference is the “right” way to behave in a relationship are manipulative jerks.


18. No Time Cards Needed

When the time you spend with your SO starts being talked about as if there is a minimum requirement per week. Once you feel like you need a time card, its time to punch out.


19. Emotional Instability

If your SO still throws temper tantrums like a child over insignificant things… run. Emotional stability isn’t hard to possess if you’re a rational, clear-headed adult. We all have issues and get frustrated, but if someone is unable to chose their battles, it’s definitely a red flag.


20. More Negative Than Positive

When you start having more bad days than good, that’s a wrap. I do not understand why people stay in miserable relationships for a long period of time. There comes a point when you have to ask yourself, “Do I REALLY want to deal with this b.s for another day, week, month, or year?” If you have tried to work out your issues and there is no positive result in sight, it’s time to move on.


21. Rude To Strangers

When they are vaguely rude to other people, such as someone in public service.


22. Lots of Rules

If they want to make “rules” about things you do that they have no business making rules about (i.e., where you go, who you talk to or hang out with), or want to control things like how you dress and how you wear your hair.

If they can’t stop talking about their ex, they’re probably not over it yet and nothing is crappier than a relationship where the ex’s ghost is always chilling in the corner.

If they constantly have to have their hands on you in public. It’s weird and territorial.


23. From One Relationship To Another

Serial monogamy. If someone just got out of a relationship and starts dating you right away, chances are that they don’t actually like you, but they like having someone in general. They’re just with you to fill a void, and the second you break up, they’ll be onto the next person.

Edit: I’m talking about the people who only date so that they’re not single. The ones who love the idea of having someone over loving the person themselves.


24. Reddit Therapy

If they go to Reddit for dating advice.


25. Plot Twist!

Yeah, when he kept on referring to his most recent ex as “cuntface” I should have taken a hint…

Edit: Plot twist! He and cuntface got married a few months after he dumped me.