Sometimes All You Can Do Is Embrace The Suck

Does anyone actually know what the hell is going on? I’ve done things the wrong way and I’ve done things the right way. And even after doing things the “right” way, I find myself almost 40 years old and with no idea what the hell I’m doing with my life. Just a year ago I was waiting to start the nursing program, had just met the man of my dreams, was moving to be closer to him, and began the grand plan we had created for our future. Well, it turns out that nursing school was not for me and I was apparently not for the man of my dreams. So now I sit in my apartment in a city that has nothing for me other than memories of the plan I had for my life that is now obsolete. I keep hearing that this is just part of life and what I’m feeling is normal, but feelings are still new to me. People think that getting sober is just making the decision to quit drugs and alcohol and once you do that, a giant happiness unicorn falls out of the sky, shoots rainbows and kittens up your butt, and your life is just a beautiful dream. That could not be further from the truth. 

Don’t get me wrong, life has gotten immensely better since I made that decision, and I’d probably be dead right now had I not. But that life-changing decision is actually the little tiny tip of a huge emotional iceberg. No one tells you how you’re basically an adult-sized child that doesn’t know what feelings are, how to decipher which ones are normal, or that you feel every emotion with the surround sound turned up all the way. You’ve had substances to take the edge off of life’s constant level of suck. And when you finally take off those super dark sunglasses and step into the suck with no buffer, it’s a shit show. You feel everything in every fiber of your soul while also feeling absolutely nothing at all. Makes no sense, right? Welcome to my world. 

Not understanding what it is that I’m feeling is more maddening than the actual feeling itself. I have to rely on other people to tell me what I’m feeling is normal and that I’m not having a psychotic break. YOU MEAN THIS IS WHAT EVERYONE GOES THROUGH LIFE FEELING ALL THE TIME?! Who came up with this shit?! I was on the ledge yesterday, making plans to pick up and move because I must not be where I’m supposed to be if this is how I feel. This has to be the universe telling me it’s time to go. Until I talked with my only living connection to sanity and find out that THIS IS WHAT GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU’D MET YOUR PERSON AND HAD YOUR LIFE PLANNED OUT. And all I have to say is, this is some bullshit. 

This is the stuff that no one prepares you for when you decide to take the leap into sobriety. Maybe because telling someone that every feeling is going to be amplified times 10,000 and that you can’t do anything except sit in the suck until it goes away isn’t the best selling point. They don’t tell you that you’re going to be asking people to explain feelings to you and that you’re going to feel misunderstood and alone most of the time because there’s pretty much no way anyone will relate to what’s going on in your head unless they’ve been there. It’s like the awkward adolescent stage of sobriety. Everyone is so happy when you first get sober. People are always checking in to see how you are. Congratulating you on such a great choice. Well, now it’s been four years. People get it, you’re sober. They’ve moved on. Because why wouldn’t they? You’re not going to have a lifelong cheering section that follows you around to let you know you’re doing great. That’s life. Figure it the fuck out. Which leads me to my original question…Does anyone actually know what the hell is going on?

Trials and tribulations lead to greatness, right? I’ve had enough trials to fill seasons of Law and Order episodes and I’m still waiting on my greatness. And I’m exhausted. Feelings are a bitch. And as much as it would have made for a great TV movie about love and redemption, the girl doesn’t really get sober, fall in love, and ride off into the sunset. She’s still sober. But she’s just trying to make it through the day and embrace the suck of it all. And for right now, that’s all she can do.