Sometimes I Wish I Would Get COVID So I Could Get It Over With Already

Just give me COVID already.

I know that statement will trigger some people. “What, wait, you want COVID?” No, I don’t want COVID-19, and let me make myself clear—this isn’t a ‘to vax or not to vax’ discussion. This is about the constant draining doubt and anticipation of whether or not I’m going to get it or already have it. Or.was the sneeze last week my bout of COVID? Is that tickle in my throat the start of it or is the pollen count high? This is about that weird feeling like it’s over your shoulder, lying-in-wait to get you.

It seems every morning I wake up to the news that more of my friends are isolating with COVID. The constant news stream of today’s variant means my life is starting to feel more like a dystopian Hollywood movie than the everyday.

Do I go out today? Do I say home? Have I washed my hands enough? Did I effectively socially distance? What did I touch? Who did I see? Who can I see? I can be social, but should I? Who am I putting at risk? Have I armed myself with enough protective gear? I have a headache—is that COVID or because I haven’t seen my barista in a few weeks?

Okay, so that last question might seem absurd, but these unknowns start to make you question everything and also make you overlook things that might be unrelated but equally important.

I have endometriosis and adenomyosis, which means I live with chronic pain, fatigue, and headaches. Currently, I’m also in an induced menopause, which has its own side effects like hot flushes. So body aches, headaches, fatigue, being unable to sleep, hot flushes—signs of COVID—are an everyday occurrence for me.

I’m living in a world now where I’m unsure of my symptoms and I can no longer trust myself or my body. Am I feeling this way because of my condition, or do I have COVID? It feels as though I’m on a tightrope and I’m going to fall; my only concern now is which way?

This brings me to this statement: “Just give me COVID already.” Health conditions and disease do not discriminate—if you are human, breathing, living a life, you are susceptible. You could be Mother Teresa and do all that’s seen as ‘right’ in the world and that still will not make you immune. The constant checking over my shoulder is so exhausting that part of me wants to just get it over with. Like a breakup, I know it’s going to hurt me in more ways than one, but maybe I’ll be fine, I don’t know. Either way, the agony of anticipation seems endless and I’m exhausted.

Now, don’t get it twisted, I’m not saying I want COVID, I’m not wishing for it. Just like if you knew what I went through with my endometriosis, you would know I never wished for that. But the sense of ‘potential’ doom, like waiting for any exam results, seems like it’s been going on forever.

This is more of an empathy piece for those who feel the way I do. Who feel this anxiety around how you should live your life now and what is considered healthy. I just wanted to say that if you find yourself saying, “I just want to get it over with,” you are not a bad person. You are just nearing your threshold, and believe me, all of us have felt that struggle in the last few years. You are not alone.

Did someone say head lice? Now my scalp itches.