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Stop Hurting Your Own Feelings: If He Wanted To, He Would

When you have feelings for someone, it’s incredibly easy to get swept away trying to decode “the signs” that he’s just as into you. For example, he remembered to text you “Good luck!” about your major presentation at work Wednesday morning. Or maybe he surprised you with your favorite coffee on a morning walk. Maybe he even invited you to his best friend’s housewarming party, an event where all of the closest people in his life would also be.

You take these actions as “good signs,” filing away each memory as a little piece of proof that he’s on the same page as you (or at least reading the same book). But at the same time, you’re also noticing some conflicting behaviors, words, and energy that render your evidence inconclusive.

Because even though he reached out before your work presentation, he failed to get back to you about Friday night plans until 8:30 PM when you already made other arrangements for your evening. He may have remembered you like your coffee black but repeatedly forgets to call you back. And, while he did invite you to his best friend’s housewarming, he doesn’t introduce you as his girlfriend. Because, technically speaking, you aren’t (even if you are acting like a couple).

When you approach the subject later, he admits that he’s not “ready for a relationship” but still reassures you that he “really likes you” and “enjoys where we are at currently.” And just as easy as it is to read into every positive thing he does as a “good sign,” it’s equally as simple to make excuses for him when he falls short.

So you might tell yourself that work has been wild for him. Or maybe he has a lot of family issues going on. Or perhaps it’s because he was burned by his last relationship and still needs time to heal and learn to trust again. And these things can be (and probably are) absolutely true.

But when it comes to you two, none of that matters. At all. Because these reasons (read: excuses) are irrelevant to his feelings about you. His career has nothing to do with you. His family has nothing to do with you. His ex has nothing to do with you. And while it may very well be bad timing and he may like you, he doesn’t like you enough to work through his shit and be with you. Because if he wanted to, he would.

He doesn’t need more time. He has the information he needs. Indecision is a decision. Because if he is not actively choosing you, he is still making a choice and that choice is…not you.

But you have a choice, too. You can walk away. You can choose yourself. You can stop hurting your own feelings by making excuses for someone who didn’t ask you to make them. You can see things for what they are. You can start to let go.

And I know it hurts so much. You saw infinite potential in someone who would never transform into the person you thought they were deep down, or who you wanted them to be. The clock finally struck midnight, the mask came off, and the beautiful illusions you painted in your mind became reality.

But when they let you down, they let you go, and when they let you go, they set you free. You deserve more than the bare minimum. You deserve someone who meets you where you’re at. You deserve someone who chooses you the same way you choose them.

Love yourself more than you love the idea of someone else. Want more for yourself than the breadcrumbs they don’t even realize they’re leaving behind. Give yourself more of a chance than they’re giving you by walking away to find someone who actually likes you. Who doesn’t give you mixed signals and leave you feeling utterly confused.

Because if he wanted you, you’d know. If he wanted to, he would.