Where did the feeling go that used to bubble up inside of me when I told you “I love you”? A tingly feeling ran through my entire body when you said it back to me. Now those words come out of my mouth rigid and cold, rehearsed and empty. I say them out of obligation. I feel nothing.
Where did the smile go that I used to wear on my face when I heard your voice? The sound of you on the other end of my phone was enough to have me blushing like a schoolgirl as I sat in my bed at 2 a.m. Now my face wears the feelings of exhaustion as my lips form the words “It is what it is,” ending the phone call short at 9 p.m.
Where did the feelings of depth and connection go that used to fuel our conversation and keep us up past the early hours of the morning with chatter and laughter? I swear talking once came as easily as breathing with you. Now we fill the silences of our communication with deep breaths and “well,” “oh really?” and “I don’t know.”
Where did the passion go that used to burn within me for you? I could have sworn your fingertips created sparks as they grazed across my skin; my entire body was magnetized to yours like gravity. Nowadays my mind doesn’t have the power to override my body into convincing itself to let you in. My skin pulls away in response to yours against it.
Where did my dreams of our future go? A house, kids, and you walking through the door from work, kissing me hello while I finish dinner. Now I cook meals for two but eat alone and put the leftovers in Tupperware to place in the fridge for my lunch the next day.
Where did falling asleep and waking up to the person you love most go? The saying goodnight instead of goodbye and rolling over to see your face in the middle of the night. Now I’ve learned to sleep alone once again, and when I wake in the middle of the night, I roll over to empty sheets. Now I pull the pillow I keep next to me in place of you a little closer and doze back to sleep.
Where did the good go? The lists of things I adored about you. The countless reasons I fell in love with you. Now I don’t know if I can remember, if I can recall those memories without being skeptical of the authenticity. Now I question every little thing about you, leary of trusting you, because if I do, I might get hurt again.
Where did the simplicity of being with each other go? The ease of loving you. The ease of trusting you with my heart. Now everything about us is complex and deeply intertwined with pain and hurt. Darling, our conversations are like trying to defuse a bomb, not knowing which wire to cut.
Tell me, where did our love go? When did the fire within us burn out? How did I not notice sooner? When did the coldness take over my body and numb my heart? How did the chill of doubt beat out the warmth of resilience? I swear I tried to restock the fire. I promise I didn’t just sit here as the flames dwindled and turned to ash. I promise you I tried.
So tell me, where do we go from here?