The Definitive Guide To Hard Boiling An Egg Without Hating Yourself

Okay, you guys. I’m gonna let you all in on the secret method behind Reverend Matty’s Easy Peasy Peeling Hard Boiled Eggs. If you learn one thing from our time here together, may it be this: Follow these steps and you’ll never experience the utter self-loathing you feel when you destroy an egg during what should’ve been a very simple task. Here we go. 

1. This is big. Warm up your eggs in warm water. The reason for this is two-fold. First, it prevents them from cracking when you put them in the pot of boiling water, and second, it prevents you from hating yourself due to being a total failure at life. 

2. Boil a small amount of water in a pot and simultaneously boil water in a kettle. It’s way quicker to boil two small amounts than it is to boil one big one. This is how you go pro in the hard boiled game. It’s also just common sense, which, let’s face it, you could start using a little more of. 

3. Put all that quickly boiled water together. Get that water boiling like crazy. My Nana used to say “get it laughing”. So go for it. High as hell. Boom. 

4. Put some vinegar in that water. Vinegar is good for everything. You can clean stains out of carpets with that shit. You can also make things more delicious. I put it on steak. I don’t know why I put it in the water, to be really honest. I probably saw someone do it once and thought it was cool. Regardless, just put some vinegar in there and move on. You’re already asking way too many questions. 

5. Get those nicely warmed eggs into the laughing water. This is a big step, so don’t screw it up like you did your first marriage. Ease ‘em in and gently place them on the bottom of the pot. But don’t take forever. It’s the shock of hitting that hot ass water that helps these things peel easy, but if you go too fast, you run the risk of breaking the shells like a loser. And you’re not a loser, are you? It doesn’t matter what people say about you behind your back at work. At least you didn’t screw up your eggs like Sarah in accounting (who, by the way, is having an affair with Brian from HR, but you didn’t hear that from me). 

6. Set a timer for 11 minutes and lower the temperature of your boil to what Nana would call “giggling”. Not “laughing”. And don’t give me any back-chat about how you like your eggs harder or softer. Shut up. 11 minutes. This is non-negotiable. If you want to get shitty about it, talk to a lawyer and have them call mine because I ain’t taking it. 11 minutes. Move on. 

7. DING! Your 11 minutes is up, so get your ass off the couch and dump that water as fast as you can. You sit around and drag ass for a couple minutes and you’ll end up with those gross, grey/blue coatings on your yolks. Then you’ll bitch and complain and try to blame your failure on me. Shit like that is why you’re still single at your age and your parents hate you. Shake. My. Head. 

8. Get those eggs in COLD water NOW! This is egg-shock #2 and a huge step in getting those shells off easier than your ex’s pants come off all over town now that they’re finally free of your overbearing bullshit. They were only gonna sleep on the couch so many times before just about anyone’s bed started looking pretty damn good. And let’s face it, you sorta let yourself go a bit there too. No wonder they turned to ice on you. Speaking of ice, fill that cold water with ice. As much of it as you can. I use an ice pack because it lasts longer and I’m all about that. Ask your ex. 

9. Put that ice bath in the fridge and set a timer for 13 minutes. This is another non-negotiable timer. I don’t care if you’re hungry. You can last another 13 minutes. I promise you you’ll live. Don’t ask me why it’s 13 minutes. It’s just 13 minutes. God, you’re annoying. 

10. DING! Your 13 minutes of torture are finally over and you’ve somehow survived. And thank god for that. We were all really worried over here. Dump that water. Get that ice pack back in the freezer and put the pot in the dishwasher. Don’t leave it in the sink. I have no idea why you can’t make the one foot leap from the sink to the machine and clean up after yourself. The pile of dishes in your sink is full of fruit flies and it’s starting to smell like a corpse. Who’s going to love you? Seriously. Clean up your act. Anyway, once you’ve accomplished this Herculean feat, get a paper towel, put it on the counter, and give those eggs a couple whacks on it. If you’ve followed the steps and not deviated from the plan like the asshole you proved yourself to be in high school, those shells should peel right off all easy peasy, and VOILA! You’ve got yourself some perfectly peeled eggs. 

Anyway, I hope that you have found this tutorial helpful to all your future egg making and that you’ll start making better life choices. Because let’s face it, you’ve really screwed up a lot of your life and there’s nowhere for you to go but up.