Some people are full of themselves. They’re content, happy, and confident. I actually envy those people. Those who feel full the majority of the time. The ones who smile more often and laugh frequently. That is absolutely beautiful. I was there a time or two in my own life. I mean really there. I felt so full, so happy, so peacefully content.
So I started to pour into someone who was not there in their life. I care very much whenever I do care. I used my time and I gave them all of my effort. They told me how amazing and genuine I truly was—which is true, so I felt even more full. A feeling I believe I had only ever felt once before, and even then it was different.
I continued to pour. My gut started to feel off, and I should have known. Being as pure as I am, I played it off as me overthinking. But, no. As I continued to pour into them, they continued to fill themselves with me, but they quit reciprocating. And I knew… I backed off only for them to plead it wasn’t me. To say it was a bad week. So I knew… I just wasn’t enough.
I’m not angry—not at them, at least. I’m angry at myself. I feel so beyond stupid. It’s embarrassing. I haven’t felt this sad in many years. I haven’t felt this empty in a long time. So I’m angry at me. I was so full. I was so happy, content, and confident. I don’t regret pouring into someone who needed it. I just hate how recklessly I did so.
I poured until I was poor.
I spent time I truly didn’t even have.
I gave what I didn’t really have.
I chose to be there for them instead of myself.
I’m not entirely sure they even feel full, or if they will for a long time. But I hope one day that they do. Even if they left me empty and sad. I hope one day soon they are full and so peacefully content.
Even knowing I’ll bounce back soon doesn’t take away what all I feel right now. All the same feelings I promised I would never let myself get to again. Places in my head that took me so long to get out of before. Those pains that you physically feel in your chest. Yeah, those. I wasn’t sure I could be more guarded before them. Now I know. Not only can I be more guarded, but I certainly will be.
When someone is taking time to pour into you, the most respectful thing you can do is be honest. Be honest when it’s hard. Be honest when it’s awkward. Just be honest. There’s no reason to let someone pour into you when you have no intent of doing the same for them. There’s no reason to let someone pour into you if you aren’t sure of them, or if you don’t feel the same as them. Just be honest, it goes a long way. At the end of the day, even if it’s hard, it’s worth saving someone from feeling like this. It’s worth saving someone from feeling empty, sad, unworthy, and just plain confused.
I gave them all I had, and I still wasn’t enough.
No matter how much you want to be enough for someone, sometimes you just aren’t. So be enough for yourself, and stay enough for yourself. Don’t let anyone take you from feeling full to feeling empty. You deserve to feel full… full of yourself and of life.
Even when you don’t feel like it, you are always enough.