I’m fucking miserable. I haven’t slept for weeks. I’ve never struggled so much to put down words to how I feel. My head is a mess, thoughts are incoherent, and I can’t stop the tears streaming down my face with every thought of you.
Last night I laid in what was once our bed, eyes full, wishing I could feel your warmth. My body curled around a pillow envisioning how we used to curl into each other and sleep. Holding each other like we never wanted to let go. Head resting on your shoulder, my ear to your chest, and your heartbeat leveling out my own.
The reality of being in love with you and becoming strangers is the worst pain I think I’ve ever experienced. I loved you so much that even the thought of not having you in my life could bring me to tears. From the day we met, I threw myself into you, allowed myself to become one with you, and now whenever we talk it’s weird. How did this happen? There is this unspoken awkwardness and I hate it. How did we go from talking about nothing for hours and hours encompassed in each other’s words to being unable to have a civilized conversation about our days?
I refuse to accept that this is just a part of life. I never want to feel this way again. You have no idea how hard it is switching it off, to live normally. I excuse myself from my desk at work to cry in the bathroom whenever I’m reminded of you. I jumble my words and suddenly I can’t think straight. I could be in the grocery store picking out fruit and suddenly my world just stops. You. I hold myself together until I get home so I can fall apart knowing you were once so close and now so far away. All I want is to see you, be with you, and have you hold me. Because no matter how bad our fights were, I knew from the moment you took me in your arms I was home. I loved you with every ounce that was within me, even when I shouldn’t have.
I don’t know how you’re doing it, moving on; I haven’t seen you in 42 days and I’ve spent every day since crying. Why does it feel like it is getting harder?
Everyone is telling me that us being apart is for the best, but I just can’t accept it. I hate that we were so toxic. The arguing, the yelling, the jealousy… We were two people fighting our own demons trying to make a relationship work. Why did we even try? You used to say to me our love was enough, because even though everything else was falling apart, how we felt about each other deep down could get us through the worst of it. Things were magical in a way only me and you could understand but so hellish we were making each other miserable in the process. I hated seeing what I was turning into, and I know you were too. Sometimes it felt we were head to head out against each other, and other days it felt like it was just you and me against the world.
Our balance was completely off, and I don’t think we realized just how unhappy we were until after it was all over. I want you to know I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you. I left because I couldn’t handle how things were going BECAUSE I loved you too much. It killed me that you had this hold over me and I would have done anything for you, but at the same time, I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep over something you had said. How was I supposed to live like that? It wasn’t long before our love turned into hate. Fuelled fire, absorbing sweet oxygen and anything in its path. So why do I miss you so damn much?
The memory of you is burned into my brain and it plays like a VHS tape on repeat and it rewinds just when I think I can’t take it anymore. It is torture. Your touch on my body is like an echo, I can feel you on my lips, still getting that same feeling every time. I’ve tried, I really have. But any other man’s touch feels foreign and it’s just not the same. Why does it feel so wrong when we’ve been broken up now for so long?
I’m just waiting every day to see if it’s going to be easier like everyone says it will. It’s hard for me to stay optimistic and think about that when my heart feels like it’s been torn in two, and with every day that passes, it’s just getting re-fed through a shredder. This fucking sucks.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from our relationship it is that I never truly felt love until I met you. The way I felt about you. You ignited a fire in me and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that again for anyone. Because what I feel right now is so overwhelming that I don’t think I’ll ever allow myself to. I’m not only mourning the loss of our relationship but your friendship and everything in between. We both had to grow up in ways I could never have imagined and we’ll always be soul tied over that.
Right now, when I’m hurting, all I can think of is the smiles, laughs, and how I felt wrapped in your arms, how happy you made me feel when things were good. I am looking back with rose-colored glasses because I won’t let myself relive the bad things.
I lost myself in our relationship, but it taught me lessons, fears, and everything I didn’t want. It woke me up in a way I’d never been shaken. I realized there is more to life than holding on for the wrong reasons. Because sometimes love just isn’t enough.
And our love wasn’t.