The Truth Is, Your Partner Shouldn’t Be Your Everything
It’s interesting for me to think about how we make people who used to be everything to us, into nothing again. The dynamics afterwards often tell you more than what the relationship did. Did you really love someone if you could stop loving them? Maybe we did once that time when we were that person and they were that other person. But we expand and it’s inevitable. We all start as strangers, we may get the future to come close to then become strangers again, and some strangers we will forever remain unconscious about.
Our inherited culture likes to imagine functioning couples doing more or less everything together and being the center of one another’s lives. As if we’re supposed to lead our social life together and also be the primary source for dealing with one another’s problems. It may sound sweet, but it is a recipe for disaster. No two people can ever match each other across all areas of life. Because—wait for it—we are unique individuals.
Truly stable couples aren’t those that do everything together, it’s rather those that have managed to interpret their differences in non-dramatic, non-disloyal terms. Ultimately, a reduction of dependence doesn’t mean a relationship is unraveling, it means that we have learned to focus more clearly and intently on what the other person can actually bring us and have stopped blaming them for not being someone they never were. To enjoy a harmonious union with someone, we should ensure that we have plenty of sources of excitement, reassurance, and stimulation external to them. So when we hit problems, we should be able to lean on other supports.
Sometimes letting go is the best possible thing you can do for everyone. There is strength in letting go. Solitude is a power. Developing practices of solitude can become a form of empowerment while staving off feelings of loneliness. Deliberate solitude helps us connect to the self. With a little compassion and acceptance, it builds a foundation for healthy self-worth. It recaptures our experiences with a deeper understanding and helps us understand the value we bring to the world. When you feel lonely, connect with yourself. Use the time of solitude as a form of power. Create experiences that help remind you of who you actually are when at your best.
My lesson to you is to work enough on yourself before getting into a relationship in order to know why you are in the relationship in the first place. You don’t have to be perfect, but be steady and confident. Find out who you are and what your values are. To me, love came when I could be completely vulnerable to another person. In order to make a relationship last, you have to flow with a person as they change. Give them space, give yourself space. Learn to love every bit of the new self they are becoming, and embrace every new bit of yourself that you are becoming. Stay open to changes, recognize the changes, and appreciate the changes. Love does not come from two half-full people who come together to create full-fledged life. Love comes from two whole people who come together to share and promote their truly complete and beautiful lives.