The Unedited Truth About Why You Suck, Based On Your Birth Order

Oldest Child

You’re bossy af while also somehow being very boring.

After spending a lifetime having to trail-blaze your own life and look out for your younger sibling/s you’ve turned into a conservative premature grandma. It’s okay because basically nothing in your friend group would happen without you as the token Squad Mom. Your friend’s hair isn’t going to hold itself back, and the advice they always need isn’t going to generate itself. Just… try to have a little fun sometimes. Say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’ and surround yourself with people who remind you that the whole point of life is to have some joie de vivre while you do it.

Middle Child

You have an insecurity complex that permeates all of your actions.

You get bitter when other people succeed, because you’re always worried that there won’t be enough attention to go around, and that you’ll be left out. Even though you’re secretly one of the best kinds of people to be around because you’re selfless and accommodating and can go with almost any flow, you have a tendency to get annoyed if you aren’t given exactly how much you deserve in every situation.

Youngest Child

You think your actions have no consequences and you can get away with whatever you want because people think you’re cute.

But you’re not that cute. You grew up as the charmed one that always seemed to be the favorite because your parents were soaking up everything you did as their last having a baby adventure. As an adult, you’re fun to be around and the best kind of person to date because you bring your sense of playfulness to everything — as long as you’re also around people who generally give you exactly what you want and make you feel like the darling you think you are. Try not to make everyone in your life the fall guy for you, it’s not fun to have to feel like the mom in a relationship. People want to be your partner in crime, not the person who is cleaning up after you.

Only Child

You’re kind of a freak and everyone knows it (but you).

You didn’t grow up with peers so you’re not always sure what normal is supposed to look like. For this reason you’re more mature and more immature than other people your age. Like, you have awesome conversation skills but you don’t know it’s widely considered weird to kiss with your eyes open. The only way to combat this is to get out of your hermit-loving shell and experience what the normal world is like. You’ll be better for it.