I’ve always found it so easy to sweep every possible human emotion under the rug and not come face to face with it. I have avoided situations in order to protect my own heart and moved on from things easily enough so that I didn’t have to face the pain that they would cause me. I always viewed myself as ‘fragile’ so would never allow anything of this nature anywhere near me. Deep down I was experiencing pain and the feelings of betrayal, however, masking it all in the form of jokes and ‘good times’.
To me, that was an act of strength and courage. In reality, it was self-destruction. If you don’t face things head-on and deal with them when they are at their peak, how are they ever going to help you grow? How will you ever truly get over them and find forgiveness?
Sometimes you need to allow yourself to cry, to take a trip down memory lane, to have a drunken girls’ night out. Sometimes you need to sing Taylor Swift songs in the bathtub wearing a facemask on a Saturday night. Maybe you need to eat tubs of ice cream and journal your thoughts. Whatever your coping mechanism is, it needs to be done.
It’s hard to find acceptance and come to peace with our problems, especially when dealing with them results in change and unfamiliar territory.
We all want to see the best in the people we love and surround ourselves with. When you care for somebody on a deep level, it can be easy to become blinded to the reality of what actually stands in front of you. Caring for somebody can bring on the rose-colored glasses effect, where you see no wrongs or issues with that person and the way they treat you. You can invest so much into someone to the point where your own standards become so low that they practically don’t exist.
Over time, this inadequate treatment begins to bottle up, impacting the way you perceive yourself. There are only so many canceled plans, ignored text messages, and emotional betrayals a girl can take before she starts to doubt herself and her ability to be loved and cared for.
But you see, there is no wrong in caring so much for someone, the wrong comes from allowing a man to make you feel so worthless and not doing anything about it. You can still love someone from a distance and understand that you simply deserve better.
The moment I chose to accept things for what they truly were and finally let go was the most freeing moment of my life. For years I have held on to something that was completely composed in my head. To me, it sounded beautiful and fit just like the final piece in a puzzle. The vision was so clear and kept me hoping and waiting for that someday where it would all come together. But let’s be honest, it wasn’t completely made up, was it? You led me on and told me the things that I wanted to hear. You would feed me with little glimmers of hope to keep me stringing along with this idea of ‘us’. You used me when it was beneficial for you and then threw me away just far enough that I’d be easy to reach the next time you got bored.
Deep down I knew it. I knew these were the games you were playing. I knew you couldn’t be the man I so desperately needed you to be. I knew all these things, yet still, I chose to hold on. What was I doing? What was I trying to prove?
Accepting that this finally needed to be the end was hard. It was hard to face the embarrassment. Spending all these years rooting for us, only to look around and find myself cheering alone. That broke me yet built me up at the same time. I acknowledged that alone feeling, I knew I never wanted to feel that way again, so I used that pain to break free and finally out myself of this toxic cycle I called ‘us’. Maybe it wasn’t your fault or mine, maybe I allowed myself to be stuck in time for far too long. Maybe I tried writing our ending far too many times that it actually became fictional. Regardless, it still hurt.
Dealing with my pain and taking action to better my position has led me here.
I’m in a place where I can be strong and finally see clearly the opportunities I deserve in the future. I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud because I’ve finally found a new way to frame the word courage: to simply accept, reflect, forgive, and let go.