There are things that should never be spoken. Things that should never see the light of day if you wish to be perfect. Memories tainted to paint you in a light of happiness, to never show the heartache and brokenness between a smile.
Days get easier until you forget the memories, only to be reminded of them once again from a passing phrase or glance. The brokenness you thought you healed opened up into the theater of your mind. Helplessly drowning in the feeling of what happened, scared to ever experience it again. Hoping and praying that this is all a coincidence and not something about to be repeated.
Endless drumming into your skull desperately trying to escape through the unfiltered words you speak. Unable to stop, but unable to resolve. Slowly, time gets easier, habits become harder, and you tuck away a part of you to forget forever, unknowingly letting everything stay, unable to let go. You find yourself as a clone of a being you once were, desperately clinging to anything that will give you a feeling, no matter how negative.
You no longer believe your unhappiness ever existed; you no longer believe that you did anything wrong. You are both complete and empty at the same time. No more sorrow, but you lost who you were on the way. Continuously reminding yourself to never open up or be true to yourself, convinced no one would want a broken model, or a scratched record, for everyone has made that clear to you. You are worth not even the bare minimum. Shackled by the weight of insecurity and fear in a disguise that you wanted to be there, that you were content with the way you were thrashed side to side from being unable to let go from the hand you held so desperately for.
Until one day, you had been cut free, welcomed in warmth that you wished would stay forever. No worries or problems. You were free to be who you were. But those shackles never came off. You were never truly free, you were delaying the inevitable fact that you’d have to turn back and get the key to truly be free. But you are safe. Safe within that comfort to have the guts to go back and grab that key to free yourself.
Things that should never be spoken, are spoken once again.