Dmitriy Ganin

This Is Me Loving You In Silence

In time, I will tell you. I will tell you how I feel, but just the love and happiness, not the pain. Why share  the pain? It won’t help me or you. For years, I have been there silently watching you and loving you. Sending out love even though I wasn’t sure you’d feel it. I’ve been scrambling, not sure how I should be towards you until pure friendship became evident. I prayed to God to help me fully accept that things I  am aspiring for, memories and plans I’ve held onto are too far gone. 

What are those, you ask? In my tiny head and heart, for some sick reason, I still believe that one day, it will still be you and me. I’ve been making myself believe that a lot of me is still with you, the way that a lot of you still consumes me. I’m not the one who couldn’t love others while having these thoughts, don’t worry. Although, I haven’t loved anyone after you. Been deeply invested in someone, yes. Cried my heart out, yes. But love? No. 

I guess in the worst way possible, with you, I learned what love is. It’s accepting the people for who and what they are and not wanting to change them. It’s pure surrender to what makes them who they are. Loving all the rough edges and wanting those rough edges. I also learned, though, that you can truly love from afar. I learned, over time, that when it hits you, it stays. It can stay silent just as it can come as an  explosion. It can grow in solitude and without an ounce of return from the other. It is the full  appreciation of a person. It’s the comfort that we can only truly explain to ourselves. It’s deeper than  what we proclaim to others—it always is. It’s the stabbing pain of when I see or hear you with  somebody else that eventually numbs me to the core, and yet love still doesn’t stop. 

Am I stupid?  Maybe I am. I admit I’ve been closed for a long time, but to be honest, that’s because of another person who ruined my dire hope that maybe that comfort and connection can still be achieved with another.  But you? You didn’t ruin that idea. You didn’t make me dislike love. 

So, thank you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we met at a time when I saw that love as a burden. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to show you love and embrace all your faults and shortcomings. I’m not sure if you ever truly loved me, but at least I know you are fond of me. That is enough already. 

I will always wish you well. Thank you for  teaching me what love is, and in time I will tell you I loved you, I love you, and will continue loving you in silence.