I’ll see your mother in a public place and we’ll only acknowledge each other with a nod. And maybe we’ll both get flashbacks of us talking about me wearing her wedding dress at our wedding. About how she always wanted a daughter and how I made her wish come true.
I’ll see a dog in the park that looks like yours and won’t desperately start searching for you. I’ll just take a moment to reminisce about playing with your dog and then forget about it.
I won’t cheer for sports teams I know nothing about when I see them on TV. I only ever supported them because you did.
I’ll drive past your house and won’t glance towards your gate, hoping I catch a glimpse of you. And if I do see you, I’ll keep driving. Not faster, not slower. At the pace I was already driving at.
Every 13th of September, I won’t look at the date on my phone and realize it’s your birthday. It will be just another day to me.
My tarot cards will finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing I won’t be up all night asking questions about you. Getting the same responses and reshuffling until I get an answer that I want. Except I never did.
I’ll probably search up your name in a few years and see your engagement pictures on Facebook and smile to myself. I’ll wish you and your new bride all the best. I won’t try to picture myself in her dress standing next to you. I won’t tell myself that we’ll get it right in another life.
When I’m getting married, I won’t tell myself that it should be you. I won’t secretly wish that you’ll arrive last minute at my wedding to object. I would have truly fallen in love once again. I’ll give someone else my mind, body, and soul once again.
When my kids ask me about my first love, I’ll tell them about you. I’ll tell them about your Maserati you drove us to Paris in. I’ll tell them about our dream to move to a deserted island far, far away from home. Maybe I’ll even mention our forgotten dream to start a bakery together.
I’ll wait for my grandchildren to come visit me with someone else. I’ll spoil them on their birthdays, Christmases, and New Year’s Eves with another man.
If you pass away before I do, I’ll come to your grave when no one else is meant to visit you. I won’t tell you I’ve missed you. I won’t stay and give you company. I’ll simply put down the flowers I bought for the man who changed my life and walk away.