I used to wonder if you existed, if I would ever meet you, why it was taking me so long to get to you. But over the years, I’ve started to see that this time is preparing me to be the right person to love you. And I believe that wherever you are, it’s preparing you to love me too.
I now know that all the people whom I have loved and lost were necessary steps to my becoming. The ones who broke my heart were teaching me what trust meant to me, the way I needed to be held in a relationship, and the importance of loving from a space of worth. The ones whose hearts I broke were lessons in gentleness and forgiveness.
The lonely nights were chambers of solitude for me to meet myself and learn who I was, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And all the time between now and when I finally meet you is a deepening of the promises I know I will make to you.
When we do find our ways to each other, here is what I will promise you:
I cannot promise you that I will always stay the same, or that we will. But I promise you that I will show up as honestly as I can wherever I am at. I promise to ask the questions before you’ve even figured them out. I promise to always nudge both you and me towards our truths. I promise that I will do everything I can to allow for us to choose whatever that looks like.
I cannot promise you that my love will always be light. It will be dark sometimes. It will be heavy sometimes. There will be times it needs more than it can give, when it is not the softest place for you to rest in. But I promise you that I will fight with all my might to transform it. I promise that if you stay, the darkness and the heaviness will pass. I promise that I will always know what the love between us feels like and will take ownership of the side that comes from me.
I cannot promise you forever, because that isn’t mine to promise. But I will promise you the present. I promise to hold you as gently as I can. There will be times when my grip tightens around you in fear. Do not withdraw hastily, you will hurt yourself. Do not worry, my grip will loosen again. And when it does, you can leave or stay as you please.
I cannot promise to not dream of the best version of you, me, and us. I will envision it. I will give you and us the framework of the individuals and partners we can become if we try. But I promise to not project onto you what isn’t for you. I promise to not project onto us a direction we are not naturally growing towards. I promise to be present here with you, to sit here with us, and enjoy this space fully.
I cannot promise you the distant future. I cannot promise you what I do not yet know. I cannot promise you that I will always see my past from the same lens as I do right now. I cannot promise you what may change without my permission.
But I promise you the parts of me that I know will endure. I promise you my grit. I promise you my compassion. I promise you my unyielding quest for adventure. I promise you my eyes that will find beauty in the ugliest and most frightening places.
I promise you my love, from its source, in its purest form. I promise that it will always find a way to flow towards you. It will slip between rocks and bend over mountains. It will rush down waterfalls, it will freeze, and melt again. But I promise that my love for you will remain.
I await you with an open heart and all my love to give. May our paths collide soon.