This Is The Most Uncomfortable Lesson You’ll Learn On Your Healing Journey

I decided that the best way forward was to take a step back. To see the forest, and not just the trees. I had been so hyper-focused on meticulous details that I had no concept of what my grand masterpiece was to be.

So, I put down my pen. I stopped putting it to paper. I left my comfy writers chair. And truthfully, I sat with myself. And sitting with myself was one of the most uncomfortable moments I have experienced in a long time. To truly sit, feel and explore what is under my skin. Not just the parts of me I enjoy, the parts that receive praise. The parts that are celebrated—no, to sit with oneself is to sit with the parts of ourselves that we loathe, the parts that we hate and make us fill up with disgust and shame. Because the only way forward is not to just put one foot in front of the other.

It is to look over your shoulder at the various people you have been throughout your life. To accept and embrace the pain you caused others. To cry through the heartbreak you once forced onto loved ones. The people you spoke about behind their backs. You must face these ugly memories, they are a part of you. People are not defined by words—they are defined by their actions. Choosing to ignore your past actions simply because it is more convenient for you says a lot about the kind of person you are.

I wanted to ignore it. I wanted to turn my nose up and pretend that it never happened, but how self-serving of me? Who am I to deny others pain? Especially when I wouldn’t dare let anyone else deny my pain.

These are the uncomfortable truths of being a human being. We can try our best to convince ourselves that what we did was in order to survive—survive in that moment, survive that version of our lives—but that is an explanation not justification for hurting those around us.

My psychologist once told me, “Forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode,” and I would like to add onto that:

Forgive yourself for what you did in survival mode, but never forget.

Holding ourselves accountable to our actions committed in our darkest times is one of the most powerful signs of self-growth and self-discovery.