This Is What Everyone Gets Wrong About Self-Validation

It was on a cold January night of last year. 

I was sitting on the floor of my childhood bedroom clutching my knees and sobbing. 

Sobbing and sobbing and more sobbing. 

I felt like my mind was about to implode. The weight was getting heavier with each new thought and the speed at which each thought was coming was increasing. Months of anxiety and social withdrawal and failed relationships were finally getting to me—thoughts of how much I hated myself as my brain scrambled for evidence that I’m somehow cosmically cursed, thoughts that there’s somehow something inherently wrong with me, thoughts that I’ll never be anyone’s favorite person and I’m just drifting while everyone is thriving within in their own lives, thoughts that I’m doomed to a life of failure… and on, and on, and on. 

And then, like a strike of lightning or God or whatever it was, a single thought popped into my head: “You are seeking validation from everyone else except yourself.”

Now I know this seems too profound of a thought that might pop up as a response to the breakdown I was having right before it, or maybe it even seems too obvious. But, before this moment where all the years of self-hate came crashing down, I was completely oblivious to how much external validation I truly was seeking from others and how much I completely failed to see that power laid within myself. When I realized this and finally came face-to-face with my problem of seeking this much external validation, I truly thought, “Wow, all my problems are solved.” 

So for months and months afterwards, I started to really focus on validating myself internally rather than seeking it from others. I attempted affirmations, I wrote down lists of my strengths, I attempted to recognize my growth and progress, I tried to uncover what my role was among the people around me. And yet, still nothing was changing. The environment around me was still leaving my soul void of the meaning and connection I craved, and situations were continuing to heighten my social anxiety and insecurities. 

So what was wrong? I was doing all the “right” things—the affirmations, the lists, the progress. I was focusing my attention inward rather than wondering why others weren’t there to carry that responsibility for me. What I eventually had to realize months down the road was that self-validation is only part of it—you can’t validate something that isn’t there. Or at least, something that you feel like isn’t there. 

When you look up the meaning of validation, it is the act of recognizing or proving the validity of something. Yet how am I supposed to validate my confidence if I don’t feel it? How am I supposed to say “I am beautiful” if I don’t feel beautiful? What ends up happening is you end up feeling even more empty because you’re just reinforcing a lack of something you feel is missing within you. 

What I’ve come to learn is that another important piece of the puzzle in affirming your identity is self-compassion. Because while self-validation can help us notice the qualities that are there, self-compassion can help us accept ourselves for when we feel less than for the qualities that aren’t there. It’s easier to say “I’m not feeling beautiful today, and that’s okay” rather than feeding myself lies by saying “I am beautiful” when I truly don’t feel like it. 

And the thing is, it really is okay not to feel or notice your best qualities every day, because you just won’t. Self-compassion comes on the days when we need to be more gentle with ourselves, and it acts as an antidote to our highest standards of perfection. Sometimes, even the affirmations and work that goes into reaching my highest potential can get unrealistic because it demands a level of perfection from me (me, being a perfectionist) that I just can’t show up for every day. And while perfectionism is different from validation, they can both still act as a form of pressure when you’re not acknowledging yourself through your lowest moments either. 

So, we seek external validation when we can’t accept ourselves. We can then turn our validation inward to try and accept ourselves. But we also need to extend self-compassion when we can’t accept ourselves. This has been pivotal on the days when I don’t have the strength to say these affirmations or recognize my strengths. Self-compassion tells me “you are all these things, but you don’t have to be them right now.” 

It’s a powerful thing to have both. It’s empowering to know on most days what my strengths are and how I can act authentically and, even more, try and accept myself for it. But it’s truly a deeper act of self-love to also extend compassion when you can’t accept or validate what’s going on in or around you. Use it as a tool to combat the need to be perfect or strong all the time, and hopefully it will become one of the strengths you eventually find within yourself too.